“As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, ‘Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread’.” - Homer Simpson
Each post here at Tethered Swimming begins with a quote from one of five television shows: The Critic, Family Guy, Futurama, The Simpsons, or South Park; this page contains a complete list of those quotes. I created it because I got tired of using the WordPress search to see if I’d already used a quote, and I posted it because it works well as an archive page.
Each quote is checked against the original episode before it’s posted. If you ever need to be absolutely certain of a quote from one of these shows this is the place to come. I’ll vouch for the accuracy of every one down to the word. Non word sounds (ohh, enh, uh, etc) are represented as phonetically as possible using the letter “h”.
The internet abounds with television quote lists which don’t specify the originating episode. I find that annoying (suppose I want to watch the episode, hmm?) so each quote is linked to a page dedicated to the episode from whence it came.
This page is updated at the start of each month. (My apologies for the sloppy HTML.)
November 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Results May Vary |
30 Nov 08 |
“Alright scale, you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but I’ve been very good so you better treat me right.” - Homer Simpson |
| Just How Arrogant Are We? |
26 Nov 08 |
“There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.” - Artie Ziff
“Not to me there isn’t!” - Homer Simpson
|
| Stop the Middle East, I Want to Get Off |
23 Nov 08 |
“What? Look, all I’m saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can’t tell the difference.” - Peter Griffin |
| Administrative Auguries |
19 Nov 08 |
“Haruspicy: predicting the future through the study of animal entrails.” - Dr. Marvin Monroe’s Subliminal Vocabulary Builder |
| Serious Problems Deserving Immediate Attention |
16 Nov 08 |
“‘No more apples in the vending machine please.’ Well, that’s almost a sentence.” - C.M. Burns |
| A Natural |
12 Nov 08 |
“No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning.” - Principal Skinner |
| No School Like the Old School |
9 Nov 08 |
“Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people depicted on television. We are not all vibrant fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.” - Abe Simpson |
| Red, White and a Whole Lot of Blue |
5 Nov 08 |
“It was like that when I got here!” - Bart Simpson |
| Red versus Blue |
2 Nov 08 |
“Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king.” - Sideshow Bob |
October 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Racial Thing |
29 Oct 08 |
“Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of Black People!” - Token Black“He told my dad he was.” - Stan Marsh |
| A Malingering Process |
26 Oct 08 |
“That just kept goin’, huh?” - Krusty the Klown |
| Low Risk, High Reward |
22 Oct 08 |
“Is this legal, man?” - Jimbo Jones“Only here and in Mississippi.” - Principal Skinner |
| Waiting for Sheriff Bart |
19 Oct 08 |
“Hello Mr. Halper, I’m calling from MoneyBank credit services department. I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you?” - MoneyBank Services Representative“Dahh . . .” - Bart Simpson
“Because you sound like a mature responsible person who wouldn’t want an unpaid credit card bill to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future, dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event attendance. Now, when can I tell my supervisor, Mr. Robinson, to expect payment?” - MoneyBank Services Representative |
| And Now, Our Main Event . . . |
15 Oct 08 |
“Well, we’re still on, three hundred and forty-six consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who . . . who won’t let me stop!” - Krusty the Klown |
| Americana |
12 Oct 08 |
“Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice, he’s a little boy lost in a game of men.” - Lisa Simpson |
| The Blurst of Times |
8 Oct 08 |
“I can’t believe it; we won another contest.” - Marge Simpson“The Simpsons are going to Delaware!” - Homer Simpson
“I wanna see Wilmington!” - Lisa Simpson
“I wanna visit a screen door factory!” - Bart Simpson |
| Easier, More Seductive |
5 Oct 08 |
“Marge, I’m feeling a lot of shame right now.” - Homer Simpson“I’m hearing that you feel a lot of shame.” - Marge Simpson
|
| Treat the Heart Attack, But Don’t Forget the Cancer |
1 Oct 08 |
“Homer has many, many horrible problems.” - Springfield General Hospital Doctor/Veterinarian |
September 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Where We At |
28 Sep 08 |
“I’ll get the dictionary.” - Hugh Parkfield“Why?” - Lisa Simpson“You’ll see when you get there, the word ‘Stochastic’.” - Hugh Parkfield
“Pertaining to a process involving a randomly determined sequence of observations!” - Lisa Simpson |
| Cautionary Example |
24 Sep 08 |
“You know, I have a feeling there’s a lesson here.” - Homer Simpson“Yes, the lesson is-” - Marge Simpson“No, don’t tell me. I’ll get it.” - Homer Simpson |
| Two Simple Things |
21 Sep 08 |
“I only have two questions, ‘How much?’, and ‘Give it to me’.” - Homer Simpson |
| More Virgins! |
17 Sep 08 |
“Are you trying to piss off the volcano?” - Peter Griffin |
| No Quarter Asked, None Given |
14 Sep 08 |
“I don’t mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn’t Bart have to tell the truth?” - Marge Simpson“Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me.” - Lionel Hutz |
| A Known Unknown |
10 Sep 08 |
“A boat’s a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!” - Peter Griffin |
| Three Blind Mice |
7 Sep 08 |
“What about being an illiterate TV clown who’s still more respected than all the scientists, doctors and educators in the country put together?” - Bart Simpson |
| One Step Forward, Three Steps Back |
3 Sep 08 |
“Hi Dad, anything new in the paper today?” - Jay Sherman“Oh . . . usual stuff . . . big type here, little type here.” - Franklin Sherman
|
August 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Hail Mary |
31 Aug 08 |
“Wait a minute, you’re a woman!” - Jay Sherman“What gave me away?” - Alice Tompkins“If I told you, you’d slap me.” - Jay Sherman |
| Something That Matters |
27 Aug 08 |
“I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear, the judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.” - Barney Gumble“Did it work?” - Homer Simpson“I’m a free man ain’t I?” - Barney Gumble |
| Map Reading |
24 Aug 08 |
“North, south, ah nuts to this, I’m gonna take a shortcut.” - Homer Simpson |
| More than We Can Chew |
20 Aug 08 |
“Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid, why can’t both our kids be good?” - Homer Simpson“We have three kids, Homer.” - Marge Simpson |
| The Ruskies are Coming! The Ruskies are Coming! |
17 Aug 08 |
“The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.” - American UN Ambassador“Yes, that’s what we wanted you to think.” - Russian/Soviet UN Ambassador |
| Justice Delayed |
13 Aug 08 |
“Plus it was mostly Kiff’s fault.” - Zapp Brannigan |
| At That Hour in This Office |
10 Aug 08 |
“Hey Lois look, the two symbols of the Republican Party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who’s threatened by change.” - Peter Griffin |
| Cable Access Politics |
6 Aug 08 |
“Awww, but those shows all look so crummy.” - Homer Simpson“Well we can dress it up a bit, we can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage and the most decorative thing of all, the truth.” - Marge Simpson |
| Innocent Until Proven Suicidal |
3 Aug 08 |
“Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll. 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course this is just a television poll, which is not legally binding unless proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.” - Kent Brockman |
July 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| A Tale of Two Phone Calls |
30 Jul 08 |
“Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations which makes it okay.” - “So You’ve Decided to Steal Cable” Pamphlet |
| Come Back Frank Church, Come Back |
27 Jul 08 |
“Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day; did you really think you could fool it?” - IRS Agent |
| Are You Big Fellas Fightin’ Over Little ol’ Me? |
23 Jul 08 |
“Boys, stop! You can both marry me!” - Abe Simpson (Queen of the Old West) |
| Pointless |
20 Jul 08 |
“Hey kids, Batman!” - Homer Simpson“Dad, that’s not the real Batman.” - Lisa Simpson“Of course I’m Batman. See, here’s a picture of me with Robin.” - Adam West“Who the hell’s Robin?” - Bart Simpson“Oh, I guess you’re only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer, ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn’t need molded plastic to improve my physique - pure West. And how come Batman doesn’t dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?” - Adam West |
| Beware Afghanistan |
16 Jul 08 |
“We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.” - Lenny |
| Obama and the Politics of Eavesdropping |
13 Jul 08 |
“Momma, I’m scared of Peter Pan.” - Penny Tompkins“We all are, honey.” - Alice Tompkins |
| Link Slut |
13 Jul 08 |
“Is it a crime to be illiterate?” - Krusty the Klown |
| They’re Just Not That Into Us |
9 Jul 08 |
“You don’t care about me! It’s my cookies! It’s always been the damn cookies! Well sugar, the bakery just closed.” - Stewie Griffin |
| Pssst, We’re Still Not Bombing Iran. Pass It On. |
6 Jul 08 |
“Which, if true, means death for us all.” - Kent Brockman |
| No We’re Not Kidding . . . and Don’t Call Us Shirley |
2 Jul 08 |
“If it’s in a book, it’s gotta be true.” - Milhouse van Houten“Scary, no? And this guy’s head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!” - Bart Simpson
|
June 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Carlin |
29 Jun 08 |
“Dear Lord, that’s the loudest profanity I’ve ever heard.” - Ned Flanders |
| Dangerous Precedents |
25 Jun 08 |
“And that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza?” - Marge Simpson |
| First Principals |
22 Jun 08 |
“The only way you’ll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture and I don’t think you’ve got the grapes.” - Stewie Griffin |
| Fear Fading Fast Enough? |
18 Jun 08 |
“Hi there! I am Omar’s daddy and I am a ‘President for Life’. I rely on terror and oppression . . . because everyone plots against me.” - Omar’s Dad |
| Puppet Rebellion |
15 Jun 08 |
“Good Heavens Smithers, they’re not afraid of me anymore!” - C.M. Burns |
| Breathing in Beijing |
11 Jun 08 |
“And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield’s air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.” - Kent Brockman |
| Primary Post Mortem |
8 Jun 08 |
“Ah Bobo, reunited at last. But I can’t help but wonder what the future holds for you. Ah yes, wonder . . .” - C.M. Burns |
| This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You |
4 Jun 08 |
“Boy, you’re gonna have to be punished for this.” - Homer Simpson
“Dad, you could punish me, but that means you’d have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it-” - Bart Simpson
“Ohhh.” - Homer Simpson
“Or, you could let me go play with Milhouse while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.” - Bart Simpson
|
| Yeah, Vista Really Does Suck |
1 Jun 08 |
“They have the internet on computers now.” - Homer Simpson
|
May 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Bring Back Double Features |
28 May 08 |
“If you didn’t catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it someplace else, we’ve got it, on the Blockbuster channel!” - Blockbuster Channel Announcer |
| Stuff Educated, Urban, Liberal People Like |
25 May 08 |
“Krusty’s autobiography was self serving with many glaring omissions.” - Bart Simpson |
| Thrown Off the Bus |
21 May 08 |
“It’s just a little slimy, it’s still good, it’s still good!” - Homer Simpson |
| It’s a Mystery |
18 May 08 |
“Don’t ask me how the economy works.” - Homer Simpson |
| Whatever the Opposite of a Victory Lap Is |
14 May 08 |
“And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.” - Krusty the Klown |
| John McCain Enters the Octagon |
11 May 08 |
“The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists!” - Martin Prince |
| Children of a Greater God |
7 May 08 |
“We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?” - Homer Simpson
“Oh bitch, bitch, bitch.” - Abe Simpson
|
| Grand Theft Attention |
4 May 08 |
“I must taste blood.” - Penny Tompkins |
April 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Gun Jumping |
30 Apr 08 |
“Sure, it’s not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?” - Homer Simpson |
| I Trust Hillary Clinton |
27 Apr 08 |
“Stewie, uh, any parting words?” - Ed McMahon
“Um, you know I . . . I got beat, pure and simple.” - Stewie Griffin
|
| Denver: City of Love |
23 Apr 08 |
“Victory party under the slide!” - Bart Simpson |
| A Semi-Serious Question |
20 Apr 08 |
“Marge, you being a cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.” - Homer Simpson |
| Pour Some ‘Tussin on It |
16 Apr 08 |
“Thirty cases of cough syrup, sign here.” - Delivery Man
“Ah, ha ha, I got hooked on the stuff in the service.” - Moe the Bartender
|
| 1901: An Oil Odyssey |
13 Apr 08 |
“Boss, I had an idea to lighten up my image. A special feature: Films I Have Loved.” - Jay Sherman
“Okay, but this better not be a list of arty foreign films that nobody gives a crap about.” - Duke Phillips
|
| Questions, Quandaries and Quagmires |
9 Apr 08 |
“Chat away, I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.” - Mayor Quimby |
| Iraq, Episode XI: A Failure by any Other Name |
6 Apr 08 |
“Rocky “V”, that was the fifth one! So Rocky five, plus Rocky two, equals Rocky seven, Adrian’s Revenge!” - Bart Simpson |
| Credit Where Credit Is Due |
2 Apr 08 |
“I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient mystic society of . . . No Homers.” - Number One |
March 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Part of a Balanced Breakfast |
30 Mar 08 |
“I’m an old man, I hate everything but ‘Matlock’.” - Abe Simpson |
| Debts of Honor and Open Doors |
26 Mar 08 |
“When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel balancing centers. Where else but in America, or possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity?” - Truong van Dinh |
| I Want My NCAA TV |
23 Mar 08 |
“We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.” - Municipal Roundtable Announcer
“Yes!” - Homer Simpson
|
| Nothing’s Quite Like the First Time |
19 Mar 08 |
“Now that’s what I call a sticky situation.” - Eric Cartman |
| Why Obama Matters |
16 Mar 08 |
“Do you really think this is a good idea Randy?” - Sharon Marsh
“If Saddam is building weapons we have to stop him…with our weapons.” - Randy Marsh
|
| The Dude Abides |
12 Mar 08 |
“If horseracing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling is a…very good sport…as well.” - Homer Simpson |
| Disconnected |
9 Mar 08 |
“Do you get HBO?” - Bart Simpson
“No, that would cost extra.” - Kang
|
| Programming Note |
9 Mar 08 |
“Why don’t we talk about something besides Zapp for awhile?” - Leela |
| Pyrrhic Victory |
5 Mar 08 |
“Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.” - Homer Simpson
“Homer, you can’t just keep hanging out with these Colobus monkeys. Somebody’s gonna get parasites.” - Marge Simpson
|
| A Fight We Can Win |
2 Mar 08 |
“I am not cleaning that….enh, who am I kidding?” - Marge Simpson |
February 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Back of the Bus |
27 Feb 08 |
“Only geeks sit in the front seat, from now on you sit in the back row. And that’s not just on the bus, it goes for school and church too.” - Bart Simpson
“Why?” - Martin Prince
“So no one can see what you are doing.” - Bart Simpson
“Oh, I think I understand. The potential for mischief varies inversely with one’s proximity to the authority figure.” - Martin Prince
|
| The Downside of Experience |
24 Feb 08 |
“In light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action.” - Mayor Quimby |
| A Clinton Victory Scenario (Seriously) |
20 Feb 08 |
“Being myself didn’t work. Being someone else didn’t work. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to have friends.” - Lisa Simpson |
| Racial Judo |
17 Feb 08 |
“All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist, when actually they were so not racist that they didn’t even make a separation of black and white to begin with.” - Chef |
| Fear Is Hope’s Natural Companion |
13 Feb 08 |
“What if something goes wrong?” - Marge Simpson
“What if. What if I’m taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap…oh my God, I’d be killed!” - Homer Simpson
|
| Perfect Pitch vs Tone Deaf |
10 Feb 08 |
“I can’t tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He’s gotten a little older but you’re gonna see how much he can still rock.” - Rod Stewart’s Manager |
| Democracy Theater |
6 Feb 08 |
“Ripoff!” - Abe Simpson“We paid for blood!” - Hans Moleman |
| Please Don’t Watch Election TV, It’s What They Want |
3 Feb 08 |
“Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.” - Kent Brockman |
January 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Obama-McCain > Clinton-Romney |
30 Jan 08 |
“Bob, I’m thinking of running as a Republican.” - Duke Phillips
“That nomination is mine!” - Bob Dole
|
| One Love in the Palmetto State |
27 Jan 08 |
“Sir, the polls show you’re doing great with voters across the board, except women.” - Phillips Lackey
“Do they vote?” - Duke Phillips“Yes, we do.” - Alice Tompkins
“Really?” - Duke Phillips
|
| Imperial Folly Is an Expensive Vice |
23 Jan 08 |
“Oh, don’t thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.” - Bart Simpson |
| Please Don’t Nominate This Woman |
20 Jan 08 |
“It’s just…it’s, it’s the same old tired gags, isn’t it? I mean, let’s give the audience some credit.” - Bumblebee Man |
| Screw Super Tuesday |
16 Jan 08 |
“Actually this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency.” - Lisa Simpson |
| Please Nominate This Man |
13 Jan 08 |
“You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?” - Marge Simpson |
| If Everybody’s Wrong It’s Nobody’s Fault, Right? |
9 Jan 08 |
“I’m gonna need a bigger drill.” - Homer Simpson |
| Dissention in the (Republican) Ranks |
6 Jan 08 |
“Screw you guys. I’m going home.” - Eric Cartman |
| Yes, This Really Is How We Choose Our President |
2 Jan 08 |
“Aw Dad, it’s just a popularity contest.” - Bart Simpson“Just a popularity contest! Excuse me, what’s more important than popularity?” - Homer Simpson |
December 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Pakistan Can Care for Itself |
30 Dec 07 |
“Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” - Homer Simpson |
| Patriotism |
26 Dec 07 |
“I’d just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing.” - Bart Simpson |
| No Product Left Behind |
23 Dec 07 |
“Ah son, you don’t need all that junk. I’m sure you’ve already got something much more important, a decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you.” - Homer Simpson |
| We Who Are About to Die, Salute You |
19 Dec 07 |
“This is boring.” - Stan Marsh“Yeah. Hey! When are we gonna to get to some action?” - Kyle Broflovski |
| Do They Have Weather Underground? |
16 Dec 07 |
“Ohhh, eight carousels, we’re in for a real treat.” - Marge Simpson |
| An Open Letter to the American Government |
12 Dec 07 |
“Dear baby, welcome to Dumpville, population: you.” - Homer Simpson |
| Why Does the Media Suck? |
9 Dec 07 |
“I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?” - Bart Simpson“I’m Dave Shutton. I’m an investigative reporter who’s on the road a lot and I must say that in my day we didn’t talk that way to our elders.” - Dave Shutton“Well this is my day and we do, sir.” - Bart Simpson |
| It Ain’t Over ’til the Fat Lady…Wins a Primary |
5 Dec 07 |
“You’re gonna like me! You’re gonna love me! Cuz I can do most any-thing!” - Gabbo Theme Song |
| Kids These Days, I Tell Ya… |
3 Dec 07 |
“By the way, I’m aware of the irony of appearing on teevee in order to decry it. So don’t bother pointing that out.” - Sideshow Bob |
November 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Trent & Denny Sitting in a Tree, Q-u-i-t-i-n-g |
28 Nov 07 |
“Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I’m pretend scared.” - Milhouse van Houten |
| Divine Wind: Rudy Giuliani & Mitt Romney |
25 Nov 07 |
“Like most members of America’s cultural elite, I worship Pan, the Goat God.” - Duke Phillips |
| Divine Wind: Fred Thompson & John McCain |
21 Nov 07 |
“Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent the van Dammes.” - Bart Simpson |
| Divine Wind: Mike Huckabee & Friends |
18 Nov 07 |
“This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It’s not even about him.” - Lisa Simpson |
| Divine Wind |
14 Nov 07 |
“We need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy, a true leader who will do exactly as he’s told.” - C.M. Burns |
| Move Armistice Day |
11 Nov 07 |
“Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe’s Day.” - Mayor Quimby“Uh sir, this is already Veterans Day.” - Bodyguard“It can be two things!” - Mayor Quimby |
| Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? |
7 Nov 07 |
“I know you are, but what am I?” - Bart Simpson |
| Seven Down, One to Go |
4 Nov 07 |
“Everything looks bad if you remember it.” - Homer Simpson |
October 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Wait, What Time Is It? |
31 Oct 07 |
“8:58, first time I’ve ever been early for work, except for all those Daylight Savings days…lousy farmers.” - Homer Simpson |
| How Do You Spell “Cam Ranh Bay” in Arabic? |
28 Oct 07 |
“Go away! There ain’t no monorail and there never was!” - Monorail Café Employee |
| Anything You Can Do I Can Do Greener |
24 Oct 07 |
“I am even dustier! Dustier than thou!” - Sideshow Mel |
| President Woman; President Token |
21 Oct 07 |
“A gay President in 2084?” - Lisa Simpson“We’re realistic.” - Gay Republican |
| Of Straw and Camels’ Backs |
17 Oct 07 |
“You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down.” - Zap Brannigan |
| Putting the T&A in TSA |
14 Oct 07 |
“Clean…clean…pistol…Uzi…two kids posing as an adult…” - Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Security Guard |
| No…We Insist |
10 Oct 07 |
“As a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the stone of shame.” - Number One |
| Larry Craig: Top or Bottom? Inquiring Minds Want to Know! |
7 Oct 07 |
“I’m putting you where the action is.” - C.M. Burns“Springtime fresh, winter white, what could be better?” - Mr. Smithers |
| Did Anyone Tell These People What “Blackwater” Means? |
3 Oct 07 |
“We got a little rule back home, if it’s brown drink it down, if it’s black send it back.” - Homer Simpson |
September 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| I Find Remakes Tedious |
30 Sep 07 |
“The fact is you don’t have to be able to read to enjoy The Springfield Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.” - Sideshow Bob |
| Pickup Truck X-Games |
26 Sep 07 |
“No Peter, it’s perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.” - Glen Quagmire |
| Back Where We Were |
23 Sep 07 |
“Chef, we’re in a repeat.” - Stan Marsh“A repeat?” - Chef“Cartman was visited by aliens again last night, and now it’s like we’re living a repeat of a previous day.” - Kyle Broflovski“Ah dude, I hate repeats.” - Eric Cartman |
| To Go or Not To Go: The Art of the 4th Down Argument |
19 Sep 07 |
“I think I know why your son beat you. Apparently you’re a, you’re a twelve year old pre-pubescent girl, which is good cuz I finally have someone to give this training bra to.” - Peter Griffin |
| I’ve Seen the Fat Lady, But I Haven’t Heard the Fat Lady |
16 Sep 07 |
“I don’t think they’re giving you enough information Dad.” - Lisa Simpson“I’ll figure it out. I’m gonna use all the power of my brain.” - Homer Simpson |
| Equal and Opposite Reactions |
12 Sep 07 |
“Dad is taking this in a less than heroic fashion.” - Lisa Simpson |
| Idiots and Maniacs |
9 Sep 07 |
“I’m sick of you people, you’re nothing but a pack of fickle mush heads.” - Mayor Quimby“He’s right.” - Springfield Woman“Give us hell, Quimby!” Springfield Man |
| Return of the America Shield |
5 Sep 07 |
“What could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football?” - Lisa Simpson |
| The Baskin Robbins of Bullshit |
2 Sep 07 |
“Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.” - Amy Wong |
August 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Impress Your Friends with Daily Trivia! |
29 Aug 07 |
“Hey, wait a minute. That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga, how could he be in two places at once?” - Bart Simpson |
| Blood on the Flag: As Impeachable as Semen on a Dress? |
26 Aug 07 |
“My mother was a saint.” - Richard Nixon“Yes, I’m sure she was un-impeachable.” - Jay Sherman |
| Bush Victim Zero |
22 Aug 07 |
“Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore?” - Bender |
| Rove Resigns, Ivan Drago ”Disappointed” |
19 Aug 07 |
“You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee, we’re not licked yet.” - C.M. Burns“Yes we are. Come on boys, the old guy’s finished.” - Burns for Governor Campaign Manager |
| ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: But It Might Be Time to See Other People |
15 Aug 07 |
“People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands; resistance is useless.” - Bart Simpson |
| ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: They Just Don’t Know How to Love |
12 Aug 07 |
“Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggie in the barn ‘cause here comes dodgeball action! The shirts continued their domination over the skins today.” - Bart Simpson |
| ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: The Devil Made Them Do It |
8 Aug 07 |
“Well sir, we’re two hours and forty-five minutes into the pre-game show, and we’ve got ourselves a special guest, actor Troy McClure whose new sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough right after the game.” - Brent Gunsilmen |
| Tricks of the Trade |
8 Aug 07 |
“Hey Miss Doesn’t-Find-Me-Attractive-Sexually-Anymore, I just tripled my productivity.” - Homer Simpson |
| Trouble a Brewin’ |
5 Aug 07 |
“Gentlemen, it’s time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able.” - Mayor Quimby |
| Gambling? Sports? Say It Ain’t So |
1 Aug 07 |
“Chief Wiggum could you hand me that little black book?” - Moe the Bartender“Oh, sure thing Moe, I was just using it as a coaster.” - Chief Wiggum |
July 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| My Latest Claptrap About My Waning Libido |
29 Jul 07 |
“How could you Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.” - Bart Simpson“Ohh, they drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I’m not made of stone!” - Krusty the Klown |
| Like Chocolate and Peanut Butter |
25 Jul 07 |
“I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.” - Marge Simpson“Yeah, yeah.” - Homer Simpson“Well, explain to me why it isn’t.” - Marge Simpson“Ehh, you just don’t understand football, Marge.” - Homer Simpson |
| Pilgrim in an Unholy Land |
25 Jul 07 |
“Is there no end to my torture?” - Jay Sherman |
| Our Honored Dead |
22 Jul 07 |
“Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.” - Lisa Simpson |
| Let’s Waste Some More Time |
22 Jul 07 |
“You make numerous threatening references to the UN, and the end you repeat the words ‘Screw Flanders’ over and over again.” - Springfield Shopper Managing Editor |
| The Prime Sin |
18 Jul 07 |
“Troy, this circle is you.” - Brad Goodman“My God, it’s like you’ve known me all my life!” - Troy McClure |
| My Slip Is Showing |
15 Jul 07 |
“You’re not going to throw red paint at the executives are you? The Keebler people were very upset.” - Marge Simpson |
| Press Release (Of the Future!) |
15 Jul 07 |
“Ohhh ‘Meltdown’, it’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.” - C.M. Burns |
| Title Fight Still Scheduled for September |
11 Jul 07 |
“I’ll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.” - Homer Simpson |
| iDon’t Care |
8 Jul 07 |
“How innovative. I like it.” - Martin Prince“Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton. Beat up Martin.” - Kearney |
| Two-Hundred and Thirty-One |
4 Jul 07 |
“Stand back while I celebrate freedom!” - Homer Simpson |
| “Spaceballs” Is the Only Good Thing Joan Rivers Has Ever Done (In Public) |
1 Jul 07 |
“Simpson scandal update, Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.” - Channel 6 News Anchor“Hey, that’s a half truth!” - Homer Simpson |
June 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Unintended Consequences: Amendment XXII |
27 Jun 07 |
“Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies!” - Mayor Quimby“Uh…election in November…election in November…” - Mayor’s Aide“What, again? This stupid country…” - Mayor Quimby |
| From East Germany with Love |
24 Jun 07 |
“Do you want to know the terrifying truth? Or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers?” - Mark McGwire“Dingers! Dingers!” - Springfield Townspeople |
| A Republican, a Democrat, and a Jew walk into a bar… |
20 Jun 07 |
“Well I believe I’ll vote for a third party candidate.” - Voter“Go ahead, throw your vote away!” - Kang |
| Institutionalized Stupidity: Airport Security |
17 Jun 07 |
“I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.” - Superintendent Chalmers |
| 18 Avenue de Suffren |
13 Jun 07 |
“Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she’s a thoughtless, talentless lowlife.” - Mr. Slave |
| I’ve Been on the Job For Almost Three Weeks, I Deserve a Break |
13 Jun 07 |
“Doesn’t your job start tomorrow?” - Marge Simpson“Ahh somebody’ll cover for me.” - Homer Simpson |
| Your Guide to Not Watching the Presidential Primary Debates |
10 June 07 |
“Welcome to Decision ‘96, it’s eighteen months until the election and tonight we’ll focus on the vice-presidential candidates. Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from Baywatch.” - Debate Host |
| Silent Sponsors |
6 Jun 07 |
“Dad, was that your commercial?” - Lisa Simpson“I don’t know.” - Homer Simpson |
| Pssst, We’re Not Bombing Iran. Pass It On |
3 Jun 07 |
“Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.” - Homer Simpson |
May 2007
