“As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, ‘Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread’.” – Homer Simpson
Each post here at Tethered Swimming begins with a quote from one of six television shows: Archer, The Critic, Family Guy, Futurama, The Simpsons, or South Park; this page contains a complete list of those quotes. I created it because I got tired of using the WordPress search to see if I’d already used a quote, and I posted it because it works well as an archive page.
Each quote is checked against the original episode before it’s posted. If you ever need to be absolutely certain of a quote from one of these shows, this is the place to come. I’ll vouch for the accuracy of every one down to the word. Non word sounds (ohh, enh, uh, etc) are represented as phonetically as possible using the letter “h”.
The internet abounds with television quote lists which don’t specify the originating episode. I find that annoying (suppose I want to watch the episode, hmm?), so each quote is linked to a page dedicated to the episode from whence it came.
This page is updated at the start of each month. (My apologies for the sloppy HTML.)
January 2012
| Psst, We’re Still Still Not Bombing Iran |
29 Jan 12 |
“Nuc-u-lar, it’s pronounced nuc-u-lar.” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, whatever.” – Drill Sergeant
“Nuc-u-lar.” – Homer Simpson |
| Mutual Ignorance |
25 Jan 12 |
“Gentlemen, we’ve got to sink this Lisa Lionheart doll, and fast! It’s time to call in a favor from Washington.” – Malibu Stacy Executive
“Yes. Yes, I understand. I’ll take care of it personally.” – Congressman
“Dad, did you hear something?” – Lisa Simpson
“I-unno.” – Homer Simpson |
| The Russian Is Cut |
22 Jan 12 |
“That cactus is right!” – Homer Simpson |
| Other People’s Rules |
18 Jan 12 |
“Stop it, you two, this is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I’ll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue with!” – Homer Simpson
“Dad, this isn’t about glue. It’s about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I’m using it.” – Lisa Simpson |
| A Moment of Clarity |
15 Jan 12 |
“I work like a Japanese beaver!” – Homer Simpson
“Oh, really? I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around.” – Marge Simpson |
| Perennial Killer Silence |
11 Jan 12 |
“Nothing beats a stroll in cattle country. Hi, I’m Troy McClure! You may remember me from such educational films as ‘Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun’ and ‘Firecrackers: The Silent Killer’.” – Troy McClure |
| Tabling a Debate |
8 Jan 12 |
“I’m not saying it won’t work, I’m just saying it’s dishonest.” – Marge Simpson
“Well, if we agree, then why are we arguing?” – Homer Simpson |
| Sometimes Satan Cloaks Himself in Truth |
4 Jan 12 |
“Homer, I’m as permissive as the next parent. I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some Red-Hots with a cartoon devil on the box.” – Ned Flanders |
| The Perpetual Nature of Conservative Reactions and Right Wing Apocalypses |
1 Jan 12 |
“I promise you zombies more raw human flesh than any President since Roosevelt!” – Duke Phillips |
December 2011
| What Is ESPN? |
28 Dec 11 |
“Cheer up, so you’re not good at sports. It’s a very small part of life.” – Marge Simpson
“Sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports, sports.” – Homer Simpson |
| Reducing: An American Pastime |
25 Dec 11 |
“I am going on a diet. From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent, no donut too tasty, no pizza too laden with delicious toppings to prevent me from reaching my scientifically determined ideal weight! As God as my witness, I’ll always be hungry again!” – Homer Simpson |
| The End of (Part of) the War |
21 Dec 11 |
“Don’t get discouraged, Dad, only four vertical miles to go.” – Bart Simpson |
| Percentages |
18 Dec 11 |
“So, it seems like we have enough people now, when do we start taking down the corporations?” – Stan Marsh |
| Red Through Blue |
14 Dec 11 |
“You’re looking at her through a father’s eyes.” – Marge Simpson
“Well, if I could gouge out somebody else’s eyes and shove ’em into my sockets, I would. But to me, she’s beautiful.” – Homer Simpson
“That is so sweet.” – Marge Simpson |
| Tragically Common Climate Comedy |
11 Dec 11 |
“Would it help if I told you you’re not responsible for Krusty’s death?” – Lisa Simpson
“Yes! Yes, it would.” – Bart Simpson
“Well, I can’t. You’ll just have to learn to live with your mental problem.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Mainstreaming |
7 Dec 11 |
“Marge, what can we do?” – C.M. Burns
“Well, you could give them healthier snacks, theme days . . .” – Marge Simpson
“You mean like, Child Labor Day?” – C.M. Burns
“Actually, I was thinking of Funny Hat Day.” – Marge Simpson |
| Pat McCarran Lives |
4 Dec 11 |
“Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the ‘Army’, but a more alarmist name would be, the Kill-Bot Factory.” – Kent Brockman |
November 2011
| The View from Islamabad |
30 Nov 11 |
“What’s the difference between Pakistan and a pancake? I don’t know any pancakes that were nuked by India! Ha ha. What, too soon?” – Future Krusty |
| Grand Bargains |
27 Nov 11 |
“Do you think you can get the dental plan back?” – Lisa Simpson
“Well, that depends on who’s a better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me.” – Homer Simpson
“Dad, I’ll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old danish.” – Bart Simpson
“Done and done.” – Homer Simpson |
| Why “Super 8” Sucks |
23 Nov 11 |
“Once in a great while we a privileged to experience a television event so extraordinary it becomes part of our shared heritage. 1969, man walks on the moon. 1971, man walks on the moon again. Then for a long time nothing happened. Until tonight.” – Krusty the Klown |
| Time Warner, the NFL Network, and Net Neutrality |
20 Nov 11 |
“Hey, we’re making enough money, right?” – Doomed Costington’s Executive |
| Ad Busted |
16 Nov 11 |
“Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock your doors! Bar your windows! Because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!” – Kent Brockman
“We’ll be right back.” – Homer Simpson |
| Drug Blinders |
13 Nov 11 |
“Prohibition? Pfft. They tried that in the movies and it didn’t work.” – Homer Simpson |
| Unhappy Nation |
9 Nov 11 |
“Hey, no one termers!” – Guard
“You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.” – Jimmy Carter
“Get away from me, loser.” – Bush the Elder |
| Anti-American |
6 Nov 11 |
“Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.” – C.M. Burns |
| Pat Buchanan’s Book Is Stupid, But His Readers Aren’t |
2 Nov 11 |
“The snow’s melted, we can go outside again! . . . I don’t like the looks of those teenagers.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson |
October 2011
| It’s Not TV, It’s #OWS |
30 Oct 11 |
“Chief, you’re talking into your wallet.” – Joe the FBI Agent |
| Entertainment for Everyone in Episodic Television |
26 Oct 11 |
“You see, boy? The real money’s in bootlegging, not in your childish vandalism.” – Homer Simpson“Oh, so many wasted nights.” – Bart Simpson |
| Things That Matter to the Red Nomination |
23 Oct 11 |
“You’ve got to put these cult people in their place or else they never stop. I’m gonna go kick this Mr. Harrison’s ass . . . Mr. Harrison is a white guy, right?” – Randy Marsh“Yeah.” – Stan Marsh
“Yeah, I’m gonna kick his ass!” – Randy Marsh |
| Consumer Safety in the Digital Age |
19 Oct 11 |
“As you know, Bart, your permanent record will one day disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.” – Mrs. Krabappel |
| V-I Day |
16 Oct 11 |
“The town of Springfield was born on that day, and to mark that sweet moment our people planted this lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson |
| The (Possible) Wisdom of Ignoring the Hyper-Attentive |
12 Oct 11 |
“Don’t engage him, from there it’s all just Orcs and Gollums and Balrogs.” – Sterling Archer |
| Forgotten Birthdays |
9 Oct 11 |
“Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, overlooked middle child, happy birthday to me.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Lars and the Pretty Good Movie |
5 Oct 11 |
“You know, I can’t believe we’re talking about the same movie.” – Not Roger Ebert“Oh, no.” – Not Gene Siskel
“I thought ‘McBain’ was a non-stop roller coaster of chills, thrills, spills and kills.” – Not Roger Ebert |
| Dope on the Table |
2 Oct 11 |
“With her behind bars, our store is secure.” – Apu Nahasapeemapetilon“I’m taking this thing to Mexico.” – Snake |
September 2011
| Netanyahu Government Deathwatch: Day 911 |
28 Sep 11 |
“This session of the United Nations is hereby convened.” – Kofi Annan“Man, this sucks. Hey, podium guy! Hey, I got a problem here.” – Peter Griffin |
| The Imaginary Frontrunner |
25 Sep 11 |
“So, you want a realistic, down to earth show that’s completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?” – Focus Group Guy |
| Havana in the Hindu Kush |
21 Sep 11 |
“What happened? Is it over?” – Randy Marsh |
| Daydream Debate |
18 Sep 11 |
“Damn teevee, you’ve ruined my imagination, just like you’ve ruined my ability to . . . to um . . . uh . . . oh well.” – Bart Simpson |
| American Eschatology Is Just As Wrong As Every Other Kind |
14 Sep 11 |
“When I gun the motor I want people to think the world is coming to an end!” – Homer Simpson |
| The War on Nothing |
11 Sep 11 |
“Terrorists have attacked our imagination, and now our imaginations are running wild! You better start remembering!” – Pentagon General |
| All Roads Lead From Manhattan |
7 Sep 11 |
“You see, Marge? While you’re off in your own little world you forgot that other people have problems too.” – Homer Simpson |
| Confessional Credibility Gap |
4 Sep 11 |
“With the way you’re treating me, why should I protect you?” – Bart Simpson“Because if you tell no one will believe you. Remember, I’m the sweet, perfect minister’s daughter, and you’re just yellow trash.” – Jessica Lovejoy |
August 2011
| “Louie” Is Mediocre |
31 Aug 11 |
“Ugh, this goes on for twelve more minutes.” – Krusty the Klown |
| Damn Your Facts, Pretend Harder! |
28 Aug 11 |
“Hey, I am no longer illiterate.” – Mayor Quimby |
| No News Is No News Is No News |
24 Aug 11 |
“And meanwhile, Craig’s show is getting a fifty-seven.” – Mr. Meryl“Craig’s show?” – Stan Marsh“What is that butthole doing now?” – Eric Cartman“Oh, it’s brilliant. It’s all just video footage of animals, close up with a wide angle lens.” – Mr. Meryl |
| A La Carte Starts to Take Shape |
21 Aug 11 |
“Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?” – FBI Agent“Just ABC.” – Peter Griffin |
| Pining For Their Perfect Ex |
17 Aug 11 |
“Kinda sucks though. I mean, you are never gonna find a chick that hot again.” – Peter Griffin |
| History May Not Take Sides, But American Culture Does |
14 Aug 11 |
“And that’s what’s wrong with Bart’s generation. Now, as for your generation . . .” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson |
| Shit Happens |
10 Aug 11 |
“Uh, God, hi, Bill Watson, I, uh, live in the Clark Building. I have a question. If you’re so good, why do you allow bad things to happen?” – Bill Watson |
| The Sacred Cow Is Bleeding |
7 Aug 11 |
“Marge, I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.” – Homer Simpson“I don’t think you’ve thought this through.” – Marge Simpson |
| Mesopotamian Curtain Call: T-Minus 150 Days |
3 Aug 11 |
“Oh I see, you want me to beg. Well, there’s one thing you didn’t count on: I have no pride. Please, please, please, please, please!” – Jay Sherman |
July 2011
| Neither Culmination, Nor Rapture, Nor Even Armageddon |
31 Jul 11 |
“How is this a Mexican standoff?” – Kremensky “Uh.” – Sterling Archer“Dumbass.” – Lana Kane“I don’t care if you shoot her.” – Kremensky“Oh.” – Sterling Archer |
| Let the Commemorative Stupid Begin |
27 Jul 11 |
“And what about the families of the victims of 9/11? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damn it!” – Stephen Stotch |
| New News Is Old News |
24 Jul 11 |
“Scoop Chang, New New York Times On-Line Podcast Blog Comments Editor, Mr. Mayor, isn’t this e-waste dangerous?” – Scoop Chang |
| A Good Terrorist Is Hard to Find |
20 Jul 11 |
“Now, let’s discuss the, um, ‘mo-tive’.” – Chief Wiggum |
| That 2003 Feeling |
17 Jul 11 |
“But I learned my lesson! It’ll never happen again.” – Homer Simpson |
| Time to Suck It Up, France and Germany |
13 Jul 11 |
“Switzerland is small and neutral. We’re more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood.” – That Guy“Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of will?” – Amy Wong |
| What Line of Business Did You Say You Were In? |
10 Jul 11 |
“Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we’ve also expanded into other important areas: literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination.” – Homer Simpson“World domination?” – Lisa Simpson“Oh, that might be a typo.” – Homer Simpson“Mental note, the girl knows too much.” – Homer Simpson’s Brain |
| Fundamental(ist) Cracks |
6 Jul 11 |
“What are you talking about Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?” – Jebediah Springfield“Cause they’re so attractive. I thought that was the whole point of this journey.” – Shelbyville Manhattan“Absolutely not!” – Jebediah Springfield“I tell you, I won’t live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins!” – Shelbyville Manhattan“Well, then we’ll form our own town!” – Jebediah Springfield |
| A Cheap Part of the Great Cost |
3 Jul 11 |
“Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.” – C.M. Burns |
June 2011
| Just Another Sunny Day in the Greenhouse |
29 Jun 11 |
“I feel like I’m gonna die, Bart.” – Lisa Simpson“We’re all gonna die, Lis.” – Bart Simpson“I meant soon.” – Lisa Simpson“So did I.” – Bart Simpson |
| Stooges on the Potomac |
26 Jun 11 |
“Moe is their leader.” – Homer Simpson |
| New Rules on the Road to Tampa |
22 Jun 11 |
“Um, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?” – Homer Simpson“Yes, but we paid you four dollars.” – Luann van Houten“Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of . . . seven hundred dollars. Now, you’ve already paid me four dollars, so that’s just six hundred ninety-six dollars more that you owe me.” – Homer Simpson“Get off our property.” – Kirk van Houten |
| Profaning the Trinity |
19 Jun 11 |
“So let us rejoice and enjoy our meal in the shadow of the hallowed Sacred Parchment.” – Number One |
| Illegal in Libya |
15 Jun 11 |
“I’d like to help you, ma’am, but I’m afraid there’s no law against mailing threatening letters.” – Chief Wiggum“I’m pretty sure there is.” – Marge Simpson“Ha. The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle-” – Chief Wiggum“Hey, she’s right, chief.” – Lou“Well, shut my mouth.” – Chief Wiggum |
| Twenty-First Century on the Nile |
12 Jun 11 |
“Captain, may I have a word with you?” – Kif“No.” – Zapp Brannigan“It’s an emergency, sir.” – Kif“Come back when it’s a catastrophe.” – Zapp Brannigan |
| Loud Lost Arguments Are Still Lost Arguments |
8 Jun 11 |
“Who am I? Let’s just say I’m a concerned prude with a lot of time on his hands.” – Bart Simpson |
| See No Sense, Hear No Sense, Speak No Sense |
5 Jun 11 |
“I think we can do without the crack pipe. Oh hi! As the FOX censor, it’s my job to protect you from reality.” – FOX Censor |
| Karzai? He Hasn’t Put Out an Album in Years |
1 Jun 11 |
“Krusty the Klown? That takes me back. Didn’t he die in a grease fire?” – Jay Leno“No, he’s alive.” – Bart Simpson |
May 2011
| Still Afraid of Monsters Under the Bed |
29 May 11 |
“Oh, god!” – Tweek |
| Cutting Off the Digital Nose to Spite Copyright’s Face |
25 May 11 |
“Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly, or else I fear recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.” – South Park Detective |
| Netanyahu Government Deathwatch: Day 782 |
22 May 11 |
“Everything lasts forever.” – Homer Simpson |
It’s Official: Colbert > Stewart
|
18 May 11 |
“And as my final newscast draws to a close, I’m reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you: the collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream price wars, dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards, and others who weren’t so lucky. And so, farewell. And, uh, don’t forget to look for my new column in PC World magazine.” – Kent Brockman |
| Give Them Something for Their Money |
15 May 11 |
“The finger thing means the taxes.” – Springfield PTA Meeting Attendee |
| Rollo Tamasi in Loafers |
11 May 11 |
“Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.” – Lawyer“I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!” – C.M. Burns |
| The Sustainability of Total Opposition |
8 May 11 |
“Homey, quit tossing.” – Marge Simpson“Sorry, Marge, but, it’s just that I’m still steamed up about that jerk Flanders. Lousy bragging know it all show off.” – Homer Simpson“What exactly did he say?” – Marge Simpson“Get this, he said . . . he said, well, it wasn’t so much what he said it was how he said it.” – Homer Simpson“Well, how did he say it?” – Marge Simpson“Well, he . . .” – Homer Simpson“Was he angry?” – Marge Simpson“No.” – Homer Simpson
“Was he rude?” – Marge Simpson
“Okay okay, it wasn’t how he said it either. But the message was loud and clear. Our family stinks.” – Homer Simpson |
| Shell Shock Nation |
4 May 11 |
“It’s my nerves, sir. I just can’t stand the barking anymore.” – Springfield Kid |
| Malaise Forever |
1 May 11 |
“I give you our thirty-ninth president, Jimmy Carter.” – Mayor Quimby“Aw, come on.” – Man in Crowd #1“He’s history’s greatest monster!” – Man in Crowd #2 |
April 2011
| The Judgments of the Lord . . . |
27 Apr 11 |
“I’ve always been nice to people. I don’t drink or dance or swear. I’ve even kept kosher just to be on the safe side.” – Ned Flanders |
| Offshore Surrender |
24 Apr 11 |
“Yeah, it’s a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?” – Homer Simpson |
| Give War a Chance (Part II) |
20 Apr 11 |
“And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary DOOP captain who just returned from a triumphant carpet bombing of Eden 7, Zapp Brannigan.” – Glab |
| The Mandate of Heaven |
17 Apr 11 |
“Colonel Klink, why have you forsaken me?” – Homer Simpson |
| The Mental State of Secrets |
13 Apr 11 |
“Say, what’s that? It looks dangerous.” – Ms. Mellon“Well, it’s really pretty top secret, ma’am.” – Bart Simpson“Alright, keep going, but you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?” – Ms. Mellon“Course I do.” – Bart Simpson |
| The High Cost of Loyalty |
10 Apr 11 |
“You play pretty well for someone with no real problems.” – Bleeding Gums Murphy |
| Show Trial |
6 Apr 11 |
“I move for a bad court thingy.” – Lionel Hutz |
| The Long Road to Tampa |
3 Apr 11 |
“How do you feel about it helping to be crazy to work here, but not being necessary?” – Ipgee the Cryogenics Guy |
March 2011
| It’s a Two Way Alliance |
30 Mar 11 |
“Hello, Jerry, Homer Simpson, remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well, now I need you to do a favor for me.” – Homer Simpson |
| The Same Old Lines: Written, Read, and Snorted |
27 Mar 11 |
“Continue the research.” – C.M. Burns |
| Twilight of the Mesopotamian Gods |
23 Mar 11 |
“Now look, it isn’t our fault that terrorists hate us. We’re just kids. We aren’t the ones bombing them now. We’re just kids. There’s a lot of crazy stuff going on in the world, but we’re just caught in the middle. It’s not our fault.” – Eric Cartman“The Afghan kids are caught in the middle too.” – Wendy Testaburger“Yes, but they’re sand monkeys!” – Eric Cartman |
| Give War a Chance (It’s Too Late Not To) |
20 Mar 11 |
“Okay Libya, exports?” – Principal Skinner“Yes sir, you American pig!” – Bart Simpson |
| Monoculture |
16 Mar 11 |
“Password? Hmm, password, how ’bout ‘guest’. No way! It can’t be, Jesus Christ, that is just baby town frolics.” – Sterling Archer |
| Domestic Friedman Unit |
13 Mar 11 |
“Everything changes when you hit the big one-oh. Your legs start to go, candy doesn’t taste as good anymore.” – Bart Simpson |
| What’s the Singular of Archipelago? |
9 Mar 11 |
“In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. Don’t worry, it’s just a name.” – Chief Justice of the Supreme Court |
| Torturing The New York Times |
6 Mar 11 |
“This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant in the future.” – Kent Brockman |
| John McCain, Egypt, and the Great Middle Eastern Revolt of 2011 |
2 Mar 11 |
“Well boys, your old mother knows when she’s been beat. You win, young man, I tip my bonnet to you.” – Mom |
February 2011
| Best Picture 2010 |
27 Feb 11 |
“There were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Ship of Fools |
23 Feb 11 |
“Where are you taking me?” – Jay Sherman“We set all our mental patients adrift at sea . . . wait, that’s the Carnival Cruise.” – Ambulance Driver |
| Republican Golgotha |
20 Feb 11 |
“My nipples, they hurt! They hurt when I twist them!” – Mel Gibson |
| Red Balls |
16 Feb 11 |
“We all got used to seeing lots of really perverted stuff on the internet, so now we can’t go back to Playboy.” – Guy at Refugee Camp“I know, right!” – Randy Marsh |
| Actions Speak Louder Than Strategies |
13 Feb 11 |
“The Deep South? Isn’t that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they’re mad at the black guys for being so lazy?” – Peter Griffin |
| Codifying Inequality |
9 Feb 11 |
“Jay, I just finished my etiquette book. It’s called, ‘Why the Poor Should Be Blasted Out Into Space’. You know, we have the technology.” – Eleanor Sherman |
| Gnorons in Bubble World |
6 Feb 11 |
“All that work, all the effort I put in . . . I still wasn’t poor and stupid enough to win.” – Eric Cartman |
| Blackboard Psychology |
2 Feb 11 |
“They’re just snowmen, Mr. Burns.” – Homer Simpson“Ah, snowmen have peepers, peepers to watch, to watch for our moment of weakness and then ‘Baf!’ comes the knock on the head and we’re down.” – C.M. Burns“What do we do?” – Homer Simpson“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know.” – C.M. Burns |
January 2011
| Nile Gazing |
30 Jan 11 |
“Let a whole new wave of cruelty wash over this lazy land.” – Bender |
| Domodedovo and the Ethos of Keep Calm, Carry On |
26 Jan 11 |
“Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good but doesn’t provide any real protection.” – Ex-Con Home Security Guy
“Ohh, let’s get that!” – Homer Simpson |
| Institutional Cruelty |
23 Jan 11 |
“What the hell are you doing?” – Kyle Broflovski“We’re playing Lambs.” – Eric Cartman |
| It’s Alive! It’s Alive! |
19 Jan 11 |
“We are Trapper Keeper, we are one.” – Trapper Keeper |
| The Fear Complex |
16 Jan 11 |
“There’s a UFO outside my window, seriously.” – Bart Simpson“Oh, Bart, it’s just an old golf umbrella stuck in a tree.” – Marge Simpson“Ahh! Can I sleep in there with you guys tonight?” – Bart Simpson“No.” – Marge Simpson“Can I sit on the roof with a baseball bat in case a UFO does come?” – Bart Simpson“Yes, yes, yes, yes, that’s fine, good, good.” – Marge Simpson |
| Schrodinger’s Prank |
12 Jan 11 |
“Chris, everything I say is a lie, except that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that.” – Peter Griffin |
| Second Amendment Remedies |
9 Jan 11 |
“Hey, who cut something out of my paper?” – Homer Simpson“Not me.” – Lisa Simpson“Not me, I’m more of a mail tamperer.” – Bart Simpson“Well don’t look at me, just because I’m holding a pair of scissors.” – Marge Simpson |
| They All Laughed at Hillary Clinton |
5 Jan 11 |
“Take a look at this, Lisa, you don’t see any ‘Homer is a Dope’ t-shirts, do you?” – Homer Simpson“We sold those out in five minutes.” – T-Shirt Vendor |
| When Wars Are Old Enough to Vote |
2 Jan 11 |
“Time was you’d send a boy off to war. Shootin’ a man fixed ’em right up, but there’s not even any wars no more, thank you very much Warren Christopher.” – Moe |
December 2010
| Treating Failure as Kitsch |
29 Dec 10 |
“Amber, do you think the Bill of Rights is a good thing or a bad thing?” – Krusty the Klown“Um . . .” – Amber Dempsey“Take your time, dear.” – Krusty the Klown“Good thing!” – Amber Dempsey |
| Republic of Thieves |
26 Dec 10 |
“Don’t you remember the Eighth Commandment?” – Lisa Simpson“Oh, of course, it’s thou shalt not, um, covet . . . graven images . . . some, something about covet.” – Marge Simpson“Thou shalt not steal!” – Lisa Simpson |
| Fanfare for the Common Lobbyist |
22 Dec 10 |
“Homer, I want you to have my lucky hat. I wore it the day Kennedy was shot, and it always brings me good luck.” – Rich Texan |
| Right and Left, Style and Substance |
19 Dec 10 |
“Hey, welcome to the new ‘Coming Attractions’, where we now emphasize style over substance. We’ll review four flicks, but first, something for the chicks.” – Jay Sherman |
| The Tools of War |
15 Dec 10 |
“Good day shopkeep, I require a hand operated buzz saw capable of cutting through a human sternum.” – Chris/Stewie Griffin |
| Assanges on the Head of a Pin |
12 Dec 10 |
“How many monkey butlers will there be?” – Nelson Muntz“One at first, but he’ll train others.” – Bart Simpson |
| Lotta Cans on This Road |
8 Dec 10 |
“We have mocked our economy, and now the economy has cast its vengeance upon us all.” – Randy Marsh |
| Wikileaks: The Red Menace of the 21st Century |
5 Dec 10 |
“Hello, Milhouse? Can you keep a secret?” – Bart Simpson“No.” – Milhouse van Houten“Oh well, who cares?” – Bart Simpson |
| Symbol Minded |
1 Dec 10 |
“Wait, you forgot your bear, a symbol of your lost youth and innocence!” – Mr. Burns Sr. |
November 2010
| Minimum System Requirements |
28 Nov 10 |
“That new robot is great, huh? He sure made me look like a pile of crap.” – Bender |
| Netflix, Net Neutrality, and Available Content |
24 Nov 10 |
“As you can see, Simpson, I’ve taken over all seventy-eight channels. And you won’t see any of your favorite shows again until you give in.” – C.M. Burns |
| Wrinkled Skin: Our Last Line of Defense |
21 Nov 10 |
“Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze, and I have you to thank.” – Principal Skinner |
| Money, Time and Torture |
17 Nov 10 |
“He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone we’ll think he’s changed and let him back into our circle.” – Kyle Broflovski |
| Vote Karzai |
14 Nov 10 |
“If nobody sees it, then nobody gets mad.” – Shary Bobbins“It’s the American way!” – Bart Simpson |
| A Pox on the House You Both Share |
10 Nov 10 |
“Hmm, these campaign buttons are all partisan. Don’t you have any neutral ones? ‘May the Better Man Win’, ‘Let’s Have a Good Clean Election’, that sort of thing?” – Principal Skinner |
| Hooverville |
7 Nov 10 |
“Tough times, eh? I’ve lived through twelve recessions, eight panics, and five years of McKinleynomics. I’ll survive this.” – C.M. Burns“Well even so, sir, we could stand to lay off a few employees.” – Mr. Smithers |
| A Few More Years in Fantasyland |
3 Nov 10 |
“Well I’ll be sodomized on Christmas.” – Chef |
October 2010
| Red versus Blue |
31 Oct 10 |
“Shake harder, boy!” – Shelbyville Impound Lot Owner |
| A Modern Curse |
27 Oct 10 |
“Well how ’bout you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other.” – Bruce |
| Heated Gibberish |
24 Oct 10 |
“Dad, I don’t want to bury my head in the sand.” – Stan Marsh“It’s the best way, Stanley.” – Randy Marsh |
| Bad Air, Good Book |
20 Oct 10 |
“But that was just one little, insignificant mosquito. That can’t change the future, right?” – Homer Simpson |
| Sorry Queermos, There’s An Election Afoot |
17 Oct 10 |
“But I read in Esqwired magazine that some robots are hard wired to be robosexual.” – Gay Robot“Don’t believe those lies, son! The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.” – Reverend Lionel Preacherbot |
| Foreground Checks |
13 Oct 10 |
“According to our computer your credit history is not good. It says here that you’ve been pre-declined for every major credit card. It also says that you once grabbed a dog by the hind legs and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner.” – First Bank of Springfield Employee“That was in the third grade!” – Homer Simpson“Yeah, well, it all goes on your permanent record.” – First Bank of Springfield Employee |
| An Expensive Lesson |
10 Oct 10 |
“Hasn’t this experience taught you you can’t believe everything you hear?” – Marge Simpson“Marge, my friend, I haven’t learned a thing.” – Homer Simpson |
| Buffoons at Play |
6 Oct 10 |
“Well you’ve come a long way from the girl I knew nothing about in high school.” – Evelyn“We ran with different crowds. You had your debutant balls and skinny dipping, and I had my home shoe repair course.” – Marge Simpson |
| Authoritarian Naivete |
3 Oct 10 |
“Attention, this is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total.” – Principal Skinner |
September 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Shirkers |
29 Sep 10 |
“Hey, that thing’s going kaka cuckoo.” – Carl“Who cares? It’s Homer’s problem.” – Lenny |
| Big White Lie |
26 Sep 10 |
“Do you remember a time when women couldn’t vote? And certain folk weren’t allowed on golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.” – TV Commercial Narrator |
| Generational Frustration |
22 Sep 10 |
“I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was, now what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s it seems weird and scary to me. It’ll happen to you.” – Abe Simpson |
| 1337 |
19 Sep 10 |
“Do we take the drones for granted?” – Lana Kane“No. No. No, Lana. Do not make this about them.” – Sterling Archer |
| Some Sympathy for the Screamers |
15 Sep 10 |
“They took our jobs!” – South Park Traditional |
| Navel Gaze Nation |
12 Sep 10 |
“Coming up next, which work better, springy clothes pins, or the other kind?” – Kent Brockman |
| We Who Are About to Concuss, Salute You |
8 Sep 10 |
“Aw great, you made me miss Joe Theismann!” – Homer Simpson |
| Labor Day in a Management Year |
5 Sep 10 |
“Come gather round children it’s high time ye learned, ’bout a hero named Homer and a devil named Burns.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Shelf Pleasure |
1 Sep 10 |
“Lisa, we can’t afford all these books.” – Bart Simpson“Bart, we’re just gonna borrow them.” – Lisa Simpson“Oh, heh heh, gotcha.” – Bart Simpson |
August 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Ethnic Unrest |
29 Aug 10 |
“Ninth and Seventy-Sixth. Take the Triboro Bridge.” – Alice Tompkins“I will find some other way to cheat you.” – NYC Cab Driver |
| Aw, Fuck Pakistan |
25 Aug 10 |
“We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in, uh, you know, one of them loser countries.” – Moe |
| Couple of F.U.s to Go |
22 Aug 10 |
“You know, I’ve attempted to enjoy your family on a personal level, on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as a cautionary example. Nothing works.” – Hugh Parkfield |
| Looking for War in All the Wrong Places |
18 Aug 10 |
“What about us brain dead slobs?” – Barney Gumble“You’ll be given cushy jobs!” – Lyle Lanley |
| We Can Fight on This Line |
15 Aug 10 |
“I guess it was inevitable. Let this be our final battle.” – Eric Cartman |
| Tea Leaves, Tea Parties and . . . Aw, Fuck It’s Only August |
11 Aug 10 |
“I see nothing here. But I’m afraid it’s splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.” – Princess Opal“But they seem so happy.” – Chief Wiggum |
| U-S-A! U-S-A! |
8 Aug 10 |
“Muntz, Nelson. You’re failing history, geography and math, but, uh, you’re doing quite well in Home Ec.” – Principal Skinner“Hey, keep it down, man.” – Nelson Muntz |
| Broken Scoreboard |
4 Aug 10 |
“That’s it, I’ll take you on right now.” – Leela“Very well. But you see, I have the will of the warrior. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me.” – Master Fnog |
| Pushed |
1 Aug 10 |
“Oh no, aliens, bio-duplication, nude conspiracies! Oh my god, Lyndon LaRouche was right!” – Homer Simpson |
July 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Time to Rerun “The Civil War” |
28 Jul 10 |
“The South loses this battle, Cartman. They lose the war!” – Kyle Broflovski“Nuh-huh, the South is gonna win.” – Eric Cartman |
| Breakfast for Two |
25 Jul 10 |
“Son, you’re losing it. There was a day when this room would’ve been a third full.” – Duke Phillips |
| Illegality Was the Least of Their Problems |
21 Jul 10 |
“You’re watching Top Hat Entertainment, adult programming all day, every day, except in Florida and Utah. Coming up next, ‘Stardust Mammaries’.” – TV Announcer |
| Dear Michael Bay . . . |
18 Jul 10 |
“Dear purveyors of senseless violence. I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming.” – Marge Simpson |
| Institutions Matter, Especially That One on the Ballot |
14 Jul 10 |
“Well, your honor, we’ve got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.” – Lionel Hutz |
| The Most Important Election Since Two Years Ago |
11 Jul 10 |
“We’ve squabbled over money before . . . never this much. I mean, I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with the twenty in the pocket, but I-” – Marge Simpson“No, no, no, you, you this is about money? Well it’s not, it’s worse, Marge” – Homer Simpson |
| War Coverage |
7 Jul 10 |
“I don’t know what’s happening. It seems our profits have dropped thirty-seven percent.” – C.M. Burns“I’m afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research show people see you as something of an ogre.” – Mr. Smithers“I ought to club them and eat their bones!” – C.M. Burns |
| History for Losers |
4 Jul 10 |
“I still don’t believe all the Founding Fathers were Stonecutters.” – Lisa Simpson“That’s because you trust your stupid school books. Here’s what really happened at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.” – Homer Simpson |
June 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Digital Adolescence |
30 Jun 2010 |
“Stan, poke your grandma!” – Randy Marsh |
| Getting Closer |
27 Jun 10 |
“Get a rope, Bart!” – Marge Simpson“Nah, that’s okay. I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First, I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.” – Homer Simpson |
| McChrystal: A Side Effect of Perpetual War |
23 Jun 10 |
“Not to worry honey, we live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light.” – Homer Simpson |
| Idle Hands, Invisible Hands |
20 Jun 10 |
“You there, fill it up with petroleum distillate, and re-vulcanize my tires, posthaste!” – C.M. Burns |
| Better Late Than Never (American ETA: 2039) |
16 Jun 10 |
“You’re asking me to live a lie, I don’t know if I can do that.” – Selma McClure“It’s remarkably easy!” – Troy McClure |
| Vested Interests |
13 Jun 10 |
“You are tampering with forces you can’t understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event.” – Mayor Quimby“I hope you know you’re sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate.” – Lisa Simpson“A pirate? Well that’s hardly the image we want for Long John Silver’s!” – Corporate Sponsor Guy |
| An Afghan Reminder |
9 Jun 10 |
“That’s it, I’ll run for President! Drop a whole mess of bombs and put Merle Haggard on the Supreme Court.” – Duke Phillips’ Inner Devil |
| Plata o Plomo |
6 Jun 10 |
“You didn’t see nothin’.” – Fat Tony“I don’t know why people are always bad mouthing the mafia.” – Eddie |
| Trending Down |
2 Jun 10 |
“Heck, it’s not my job to talk people out of killing themselves.” – Chief Wiggum |
May 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Gulf of Mexico Does Not Have a Football Team |
30 May 10 |
“It couldn’t possibly be bottomless.” – Lisa Simpson“Well, for all intents and purposes.” – Bart Simpson |
| Obama Orders Team America Into Action |
26 May 10 |
“And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.” – Chief Wiggum“Is that so? . . . Oh Flanders, won’t you join me in my kitchen? – Homer Simpson |
| Republicans Who Like Weed |
23 May 10 |
“Listen, Flanders, do you still have that store?” – Homer Simpson“For two more days, then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.” – Ned Flanders |
| It’s Gonna Be Really Funny When the Blues Hold Congress |
19 May 10 |
“Yes, I’m back. Kent Brockman is not the kind of man who would leave a five-hundred-thousand dollar a year job just because he won a lottery. Hey, I’m a journalist.” – Kent Brockman |
| Lucrative Minorities |
16 May 10 |
“I know this is different than that time I washed your pants with the twenty in the pocket.” – Marge Simpson |
| Darth Vader Had It Easy |
12 May 10 |
“But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you’d find out.” – Homer Simpson |
| How Did We Ever Defeat These People? |
9 May 10 |
“Remember, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.” – Marge Simpson |
| False Dichotomy |
5 May 10 |
“You can either be a fairy or a queen, it’s wide open.” – Springfield Ballet Teacher |
| Flag Desecration |
2 May 10 |
“Zoidberg, how could you? I used to think you were cool.” – Fry |
April 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Devil’s In the Demographics |
28 Apr 10 |
“Now it’s just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I’m sure that’s what’s on all their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live.” – Eric Cartman |
| Aren’t We Forgetting that David Blaine Is the Real Enemy? |
25 Apr 10 |
“So you mean to tell me that even though people fight and argue over different religions, you guys are all actually friends?” – Stan Marsh“More than friends, young boy, we are Super Best Friends, with the desire to fight for justice.” – Mohammed |
| Victory for Me, None for Thee |
21 Apr 10 |
“Um, uh, what town did we just crush?” – Krusty the Klown“Shelbyville.” – Principal Skinner[Enthusiastic Cheers] – Everyone |
| Fragility |
18 Apr 10 |
“Rainy day! There’s never going to be a rainy day, Marge! There’s not a cloud in the Simpson sky!” – Homer Simpson |
| Enemy of My Enemy |
14 Apr 10 |
“Why would you help us?” – Professor Chaos |
| The Right to Remain Connected |
11 Apr 10 |
“Randy, where will you go?” – Gerald Broflovski“We’re gonna head west, there’s a rumor going around there might be some internet out there.” – Randy Marsh |
| The Final Argument of Kings |
7 Apr 10 |
“Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you, the viewers.” – Kent Brockman |
| Critic Criticism |
4 Apr 10 |
“We’ll just have to find out what you are good at, in my case, it’s complaining about movies that bring happiness to idiots.” – Jay Sherman |
March 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Netanyahu Government Death Watch: Day 365 |
31 Mar 10 |
“Here’s the plan, you can move in with your sisters and raise the kids, and I’ll . . . die in the gutter. It’s practical and within our means.” – Homer Simpson |
| California, Don’t Let Me Down |
28 Mar 10 |
“I know! Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you’re a hippie, and hippies suck.” – Eric Cartman |
| The Hump |
24 Mar 10 |
“Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock, and you screamed ‘I’m a hemophiliac!’, and when he let you go you kicked him in the back?” – Bart Simpson“Heh, heh, heh, yeah?” – Homer Simpson“Will you teach me how to do that?” – Bart Simpson |
| Seven & Up |
21 Mar 10 |
“Homey, how long do you plan to do this?” – Marge Simpson“I don’t know. How long do horses live?” – Homer Simpson“Thirty years.” – Marge Simpson“D’oh.” – Homer Simpson |
| Reality Returning |
17 Mar 10 |
“Think hard, Elvis. You’re not really the king of rock ’n roll. You’re a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town, mmkay?” – Mr. Mackey“Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor!” – Officer Barbrady |
| Double Standard |
14 Mar 10 |
“Dozens of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them was important.” – Kent Brockman |
| Damage Done |
10 Mar 10 |
“He’s violating Seabreeze!” – Carter Pewterschmidt“No, no, he’s just awkwardly positioning himself-now he’s violating Seabreeze.” – Peter Griffin |
| The Worst Movie (I’ve Actually Seen) To Ever Win Best Picture |
7 Mar 10 |
“It’s chocolate! Now I want one more than ever!” – Jay Sherman |
| Resistance is Vital |
3 Mar 10 |
“Stand back!” – Eric Cartman“Cartman, stop it.” – Stan Marsh“I . . . am going . . . to Casa Bonita.” – Eric Cartman |
February 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Dichotomous Economy and The Atlantic Monthly |
28 Feb 10 |
“Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life this court fines you three million dollars.” – Judge Snyder“Smithers, my wallet’s in my right, front pocket.” – C.M. Burns |
| Of Apple and Naked Women |
24 Feb 10 |
“I’m gonna go draw boobs on the Etch-a-Sketch!” – FBI Agent #1“Go ahead, they always come out square!” – FBI Agent #2 |
| The Potential Power of Shame |
21 Feb 10 |
“I feel so full of . . . what’s the opposite of shame?” – Bart Simpson“Pride?” – Marge Simpson“No, not that far from shame.” – Bart Simpson“Less shame?” – Homer Simpson“Yeah.” – Bart Simpson |
| Google Buzz: Homogenization FAIL |
17 Feb 10 |
“These uniforms are a godsend. Horseplay is down 40%, youthful exuberance has been cut in half, high spirits are at an all time low.” – Principal Skinner“They’ve even begun blinking in unison.” – Lunchlady Doris |
| “An Avalanche of Shit” |
14 Feb 10 |
“Ohhh, it’s everywhere. Ahhhh! It’s in my raccoon wounds!” – Peter Griffin |
| Babes at Play |
10 Feb 10 |
“Alright ninjas, let’s go protect the world.” – Stan Marsh“Kickass.” – Eric Cartman |
| Why CNN Is Worse Than Fox News |
8 Feb 10 |
“I’m sorry little girl, we don’t just put people on teevee . . . unless of course they’re replying to an editorial.” – Channel 6 Station Manager“Uh, I am. I’m strongly opposed to proposition, uh, 305.” – Lisa Simpson“You’re against discount bus fares for war widows?” – Channel 6 Station Manager“Uh, you bet I am.” – Lisa Simpson“Okay. Makeup!” – Channel 6 Station Manager |
| Um, . . . What He Said (Part 3) |
3 Feb 10 |
“Stockdale, if we don’t deliver this pizza in thirty minutes it’s free. What’s the holdup?” – Ross Perot“Gridlock!” – Adm. Stockdale |
January 2010
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Captured by the System |
31 Jan 10 |
“Dad, please for the last time I beg you: don’t lower yourself to the level of the mob!” – Lisa Simpson“Lisa, maybe if I’m part of that mob I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where’s my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn?” – Homer Simpson |
| Self Interest vs. Stupidity |
27 Jan 10 |
“There there dear, we’re all in shock. I thought he’d two-time you for a while first.” – Patty Bouvier |
| Political Nipple Piercings, Discuss! |
24 Jan 10 |
“Bazooka Duke says ‘Chew on this!’” – Duke Phillips |
| Even More Shameful Shit |
20 Jan 10 |
“Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night or you can turn to another channel.” – Kent Brockman |
| Reality Still Has a Liberal Bias |
17 Jan 10 |
“Whatever, that’s like five years from now.” – Eric Cartman“Yeah, who cares?” – Stan Marsh |
| The Tragedy of Arnold Schwarzenegger |
13 Jan 10 |
“Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I’ll be in the humvee.” – Rainier Wolfcastle |
| A Man of His Time |
10 Jan 10 |
“Your appearance is comical to me.” – Martin Prince |
| Little Things (Lots and Lots of ’Em) |
6 Jan 10 |
“Well, I can’t argue with the little things, it’s the little things that make up life.” – Hank Scorpio |
| Time Capsule |
3 Jan 10 |
“I have frozen myself so I may live to see the wonders of the future. Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and effective.” – Jasper’s Freezer Note |
December 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Most Profound Decade-In-Review Piece You Will Read (Unless I’m Wrong, Nobody Trusts Me, or No One Listens to Me) |
30 Dec 09 |
“What else is on?” – Bart Simpson |
| Security Theater Goes to Eleven |
27 Dec 09 |
“Okay everybody, let’s see some big smiles! Just relax and let the hooks do their work.” – Ned Flanders (Unquestioned Lord and Master of the World) |
| In Defense of Avatar’s Dialogue, Plot and Racial Politics |
23 Dec 09 |
“Nobody expected you to fall in love with Smurfette. You went to learn from them but instead you became one of them! Right? Fought against your own kind, when you knew we’d stop at nothing!” – Wendy Testaburger |
| The Depth of the Hole |
20 Dec 09 |
“Now, the first order of business is to blame everything on the guy before me.” – “That Guy” C.E.O. of Planet Express |
| Taking the Good with the Bad |
16 Dec 09 |
“Don’t I at least get to call my lawyer?” – Steve Sax“You watch too many movies, Sax.” – Lou |
| An Enduring Taboo Cracks Just a Little Bit |
13 Dec 09 |
“And try and stop Pablo’s people from using drug money to buy arms from Lee’s countrymen who will in turn sell them to Yuri’s people so that they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you understand, yes? You all hate each other.” – Stewie Griffin |
| Denying the Future |
9 Dec 09 |
“Welcome to the future, human slave!” – Bender |
| Handicapping the 2020 Presidential Field |
6 Dec 09 |
“Choke on that, causality.” – Professor Farnsworth |
| In the Valley of Political Expediency (and Death, don’t forget the Death) |
2 Dec 09 |
“The first robot president won by exactly one vote.” – Leela“Ah yes, John Quincy Adding Machine, he struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.” – Bender“But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.” – Professor Farnsworth |
November 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Cellular Decade |
29 Nov 09 |
“I’ve been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.” – Principal Skinner“And you’ve never found anything?” – Bart Simpson“Once, but by the time I got to a phone my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek. I got back at him though, him and that little boy of his. Anyway, that’s why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.” – Principal Skinner |
| Eyes On the Ball |
26 Nov 09 |
“I don’t agree with his Bart killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma killing policy.” – Homer Simpson |
| Bumps In the Night |
22 Nov 09 |
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to appear in a tortilla in Mexico.” – God |
| Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Shawl |
18 Nov 09 |
“I forgot to clean the lint basket in the dryer. If someone broke in to the house and did laundry it could start a fire!” – Marge Simpson |
| Legacy Costs |
15 Nov 09 |
“If we quit now we’ll never know how badly they’re gonna beat us.” – Homer Simpson |
| The Demographics of “Mad Men” |
11 Nov 09 |
“Have I ever told you kids about the Sixties?” – Aging Hippie Teacher |
| A Bright, Shining Peace |
8 Nov 09 |
“See it’s a miniature version of the A-bomb, the government built it in the fifties to drop on beatniks.” – Herman |
| Nobody Expects the Red Guards! |
4 Nov 09 |
“The death card?” – Lisa Simpson“No, that’s good. It means transition, change.” – Renaissance Faire Fortune Teller“Oh. Heh, oh, that’s cute.” – Lisa Simpson“Ahhh, the Happy Squirrel!” – Renaissance Faire Fortune Teller“That’s bad?” – Lisa Simpson“Possibly, the cards are vague and mysterious.” – Renaissance Faire Fortune Teller |
| Funny Money |
1 Nov 09 |
“Would you like to buy some Itchy & Scratchy money?” – Itchy & Scratchy Land Ticket Lady“What’s that?” – Homer Simpson“Well, it’s money that’s made just for the park. It works just like regular money but it’s, uh, fun.” – Itchy & Scratchy Land Ticket Lady |
October 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Mass Market Appeal |
29 Oct 09 |
“There doesn’t seem to be any “Any” key.” – Homer Simpson |
| Harbinger of Doom (R-Arizona) |
25 Oct 09 |
“The problem with both parties is that they always want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.” – Prof. Farnsworth |
| How To Kill Children Legally (Even Your Own!) |
21 Oct 09 |
“According to Fretful Mother magazine if Maggie doesn’t talk by age one we should consider a corrective tongue extender.” – Marge Simpson |
| Of Football, Dog Fighting, and the Chewbacca Defense |
18 Oct 09 |
“But more importantly, you have to ask yourself, ‘What does this have to do with this case?’ Nothing.” – Johnnie Cochran |
| Your Televised Afghan Primer |
14 Oct 09 |
“Our license renewal is on the bubble, we need educational programming, fast.” – TV Executive“What about that Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour?” – Krusty the Klown“That’s barely legal as it is.” – TV Executive |
| Simple Troubleshooting |
12 Oct 09 |
“It says ‘buffering’, what is that?” – Lois Griffin as Princess Leia“Just give it a minute.” – Cleveland Brown as R2-D2“All I’m trying to do is make an mpeg.” – Lois Griffin as Princess Leia“All I’m trying to do is tell you to wait a minute.” – Cleveland Brown as R2-D2 |
| The Fat Profits of Unrealistic Expectations |
7 Oct 09 |
“Your skin is so smooth, what’s your secret?” – Geraldo Production Assistant“I scrub my face vigorously with a steel wool pad. Then I stick my face in boiling water for two minutes, exactly.” – Eleanor Sherman |
| Fanciful Fears and the Slow March of Reality |
4 Oct 09 |
“According to my uncle, who’s a real whiz with volcanoes, a volcano is coming this way.” – Volcano Insurance Salesman |
September 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Iran has the Bomb! Meh. |
30 Sep 09 |
“Now, now, perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.” – Parallel Prof. Farnsworth |
| Beginning to Look Back |
27 Sep 09 |
“You know, ever since that barbeque nothing’s gone right. It’s like there’s been a curse on me.” – Ned Flanders |
| The Sad, Unchanging Afghan Political Calculus |
23 Sep 09 |
“I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try.” – Bart Simpson |
| By Our Ads They Shall Know Us |
20 Sep 09 |
“Didn’t you have ads in the twentieth century?” – Leela“Well, sure, but not in our dreams, only on teevee and radio, and in magazines and movies and at ball games and on buses and milk cartons and t-shirts and bananas and written on the sky, but not in dreams!” – Fry |
| Knowing When to Strike |
16 Sep 09 |
“Oh yeah, and it won’t be long before they drive all of us poor underachieving people out of town with inflated real estate costs.” – Mr. Garrison“Damn I hate them stupid richers!” – Skeeter |
| Small, Welcome Beginnings |
13 Sep 09 |
“Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it’s all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts, and the possibility of more donuts to come.” – Homer Simpson |
| Triple Threat Guy |
9 Sep 09 |
“Okay, Lois’ list says clean the windows, clear the gutters, and wash the siding. To most folks that’s three chores, to Peter Griffin and his big hose it’s one.” – Peter Griffin |
| Um, . . . What He Said (Part 2) |
6 Sep 09 |
“Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper middle class people.” – Judge Whitey |
| Elaborate, High Class Idiocy |
2 Sep 09 |
“You’re ignorant! That’s the Wright Brothers’ plane, at Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil, single handedly won us the Civil War, it did.” – Abe “Grandpa” Simpson |
August 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Is Barack Obama Politically Invincible on Afghanistan? |
30 Aug 09 |
“A letter of surrender, we did it! Whew, it’s a good thing too because I really didn’t have an exit strategy.” – Stewie Griffin |
| This Messy Problem Has No Clean Solution |
26 Aug 09 |
“Now each one of you take a floor and get started!” – Marge Simpson“I call the basement!” – Homer Simpson“Fine.” – Bart, Lisa & Marge Simpson“D’oh?” – Homer Simpson |
| Thinking Long (Part 2) |
23 Aug 09 |
“So anywho, last night we’re playing poker, right? As usual I’m winning and not realizing it.” – Homer Simpson |
| Culture Clash |
19 Aug 09 |
“Attention American workers, your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.” – Not Alan Rickman“Not on my shift!” – Homer Simpson |
| Um, . . . What He Said |
16 Aug 09 |
“Wait a minute. That’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about anything.” – Peter Griffin |
| VT Day |
12 Aug 09 |
“Ugh, I don’t want to play anymore you guys.” – Eric Cartman |
| The People(s) of the Book(s) |
9 Aug 09 |
“Marge, just about everything is a sin. You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.” – Rev. Lovejoy |
| The “Also” War: The Real Reason Afghanistan is Fucked |
5 Aug 09 |
“Marge, there’s just too much pressure. What with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad! But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we’ll have sex.” – Homer Simpson“I simply can’t wait that long.” – Marge Simpson |
| From Conspiracy Nuts to Congressmen |
2 Aug 09 |
“Our tireless safety engineers crash test over 1,000 cars a year.” – Fourth Reich Motors Spokesman“Hey wait, that’s not a dummy.” – Lisa Simpson“This exhibit is closed!” – Fourth Reich Motors Spokesman |
July 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| And the Morons Shall Inherit the Earth |
29 Jul 09 |
“Of course we could make things more challenging, Lisa. But then the stupider students would be in here complaining, furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand the situation.” – Principal Skinner |
| Barack Obama in Black and White |
26 Jul 09 |
“My opinions are as valid as the next man’s!” – Sideshow Mel |
| Fuck? Yes! |
22 Jul 09 |
“We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.” – Zapp Brannigan |
| Six Months |
19 Jul 09 |
“‘Where’s my spy camera?’ Every day for the last six months, ‘where’s my spy camera?’, ‘where’s my spy camera?’, ‘where’s my spy camera?’. Here’s your stupid spy camera!” – Fe-mail Carrier |
| The Beast Must Die |
15 Jul 09 |
“Sir, we’ll need a new Dangerous Emissions Supervisor.” – Mr. Smithers“Yes, well find someone cheap. It’s been a very lean year for us.” – C.M. Burns“Money fight!” – C.M. Burns & Mr. Smithers |
| The Criminal Elephant in the Room |
12 Jul 09 |
“I guess saying goodbye wasn’t enough.” – Butters Stotch“What else do I have to do?” – Eric Cartman“Well, well you know preacher says that before your soul can be at peace sometimes you have to atone for something bad you did.” – Butters Stotch“Atone?” – Eric Cartman“Did you ever do anything really bad?” – Butters Stotch“Not really.” – Eric Cartman |
| Robert McNamara and the Immortality of American Exceptionalism |
8 Jul 09 |
“There’s a line in Othello about a drinker, ‘Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.’ That pretty well covers it.” – Barney Gumble |
| Bloggers in a Book |
5 Jul 09 |
“What is this place?” – Bart Simpson“The refuge of the damned.” – Indian Nerd“A place where we can work on our extra credit assignments without fear of reprisal.” – Martin Prince |
| Repetitive Stupidity Disorder |
1 Jul 09 |
“I’m going to keep this Mary Worth phone right here. Her stern but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again.” – Bart Simpson |
June 2009
May 2009
April 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| An Iraq of Lights, Tunnels and Oncoming Trains |
29 Apr 09 |
“Oh boy, this is gonna get worse before it gets better.” – Chief Wiggum |
| It’s So Obvious |
26 Apr 09 |
“Tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.” – Bart Simpson“The spoon, Bart.” – Lisa Simpson“Of course!” – Bart Simpson
|
| Books Are Different |
22 Apr 09 |
“Finally a copy of Ethan Frome to call my own.” – Lisa Simpson |
| A Good Day |
19 Apr 09 |
“Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest.” – Judge Snyder“What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did.” – Sideshow Bob
|
| Unarmed and (Not Immediately) Dangerous |
15 Apr 09 |
“You don’t even have a trigger on that thing.” – Homer Simpson“Yeah, I had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed my family. C’mon, gimme the dough, I can throw this pretty hard.” – Clancy Wiggum |
| The Last Redoubt |
12 Apr 09 |
“Damn long hairs never learn, chief.” – Eddie |
| A Really Bad (NATO) Idea |
8 Apr 09 |
“What do we care? We live in the United States.” – Fry“The United States is part of the world.” – Leela“Wow, I have been gone a long time.” – Fry |
| Setup to Fail |
5 Apr 09 |
“You know, I gotta be honest with you. I only have another week and a half here and I have completely checked out.” – Job Placement Center Employee“Oh.” – Peter Griffin“Yeah.” – Job Placement Center Employee
|
| This Country Deserves a Better Class of Criminal |
1 Apr 09 |
“Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in forty-foot high letters on the field that you would be caught.” – Principal Skinner |
March 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Under New Management |
29 Mar 09 |
“Lenny’s reign of terror is over.” – Mr. Smithers |
| Persian Opportunities |
25 Mar 09 |
“The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air, then he bounced one point eight meters in the air, then he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?” – Ball Ambassador“Mr. Ambassador, our people tell the same story.” – Henry Kissinger
|
| Happy Anniversary |
22 Mar 09 |
“Our anniversary? Are you sure?” – Homer Simpson“Well don’t worry Homey, this year you have an excuse for not remembering.” – Marge Simpson
|
| Bound by Torture |
18 Mar 09 |
“I need a drink and a shower.” – Mayor Quimby |
| The Fifth Estate |
15 Mar 09 |
“I’m really, really, really sorry.” – Edward the Penitent“I’m afraid ’sorry’ doesn’t cut it with this pope.” – Pope |
| The Pundits New Clothes |
11 Mar 09 |
“I like it better when they’re making fun of people who aren’t me.” – Homer Simpson |
| A Morbidly Entertaining Thought Experiment |
8 Mar 09 |
“I got a hankering for some pork products.” – Krusty the Klown |
| Outside Looking In, Then and Now |
4 Mar 09 |
“It’s always such a huge event, sometimes I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes and pretend I’m there.” – Pip |
| Some Mindsets Change Faster Than Others |
1 Mar 09 |
“First up is Iraqi impressionist, Tariq El-Gamal.” – Principal Mangosuthu“Thank you. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if Tony Curtis spoke honestly about US policy in the Mid East? I think it might go something like this . . . Hey, whaddya think, we’re trying to take over.” – Tariq El-Gamal
|
February 2009
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Taxation with Representation Equals . . . Tyranny? |
25 Feb 09 |
“You know, you think like the average Joe, the little guy makin’three hundred grand a year.” – Duke Phillips |
| Something Militaries Should Not Be Doing |
22 Feb 09 |
“Bogey’s airspeed not sufficient for intercept. Suggest we get out and walk.” – Air Force Pilot |
| Tears for Fears |
18 Feb 09 |
“You don’t even know what you’re worried about anymore.” – Marge Simpson |
| One Down, Two to Go |
15 Feb 09 |
“Hoke, slow down, you’re going too fast.” – Eleanor Sherman“I got better things to do than drivin’a crotchety old woman like you around. From now on, my name isn’t Hoke, it’s Malcolm H. And when the revolution comes, you will not be spared.” – Malcolm H |
| War for Sale, Slightly Used |
11 Feb 09 |
“This war is in danger of going all quagmire on me.” – Richard Nixon’s Head |
| Will Future Nazis Burn iPhones or Kindles? |
8 Feb 09 |
“Stupid books.” – Bart Simpson |
| Sarcastic Clapping |
4 Feb 09 |
“Are we gonna die son?” – Homer Simpson“Yeah. But at least we’ll take a lot of innocent people with us.” – Bart Simpson
|
| Sign of the Times |
1 Feb 09 |
“Look, if you . . . if you do find internet, let us know, will ya?” – Stephen Stotch“How? You won’t have internet.” – Randy Marsh |
January 2009
December 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Same Shit, Different Border |
31 Dec 08 |
“You have to do it too.” – Ned Flanders“It’s a small price to pay to see you humiliate yourself.” – Homer Simpson
|
| Breaking News: Most Americans Aren’t Dickheads |
28 Dec 08 |
“Alright look, I didn’t want to have to say this but I think maybe we’re not seeing heaven because one of us doesn’t believe in it enough.” – Eric Cartman |
| The One Habit of Highly Successful People |
24 Dec 08 |
“Ohhh, won’t somebody please think of the children!” – Helen Lovejoy“What kind of an example are we setting?” – Maude Flanders“Ladies please, all our Founding Fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.” – Chief Wiggum |
| Link Slut II: Exploration and Experimentation |
24 Dec 08 |
“Marge, I’m bored.” – Homer Simpson“Why don’t you read something?” – Marge Simpson“Because I’m trying to reduce my boredom.” – Homer Simpson |
| Stupidity in Motion |
21 Dec 08 |
“You didn’t ask for rack and pinion steering, did you?” – Herb Powell“Uh, yeah, I think I did.” – Homer Simpson“How could you ask for it? You don’t even know what it is; you just called it ‘rack and peanut’steering.” – Herb Powell |
| Netflix is Really Easy, But . . . |
17 Dec 08 |
“You wanna rent it, sir?” – VHS Village Clerk“Why? I just saw the best part.” – Homer Simpson |
| Aftermath: Nails in the Coffin |
14 Dec 08 |
“America’s health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don’t live in Paraguay.” – Homer Simpson |
| Aftermath: Prayers for Rain |
10 Dec 08 |
“I have to try. I can’t let Barbara Streisand do this to the entire world.” – Robert Smith |
| Aftermath: A Very Deep Hole |
7 Dec 08 |
“No no, dig up stupid.” – Chief Wiggum |
| Still Wasting Time |
7 Dec 08 |
“This is the best part of the week!” – Homer Simpson“It’s the longest possible time before more church!” – Lisa Simpson
|
| Cleaning Up Is Hard To Do |
3 Dec 08 |
“Teacher, my partner is back on the bus.” – Butters Stotch |
November 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Results May Vary |
30 Nov 08 |
“Alright scale, you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but I’ve been very good so you better treat me right.” – Homer Simpson |
| Just How Arrogant Are We? |
26 Nov 08 |
“There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity.” – Artie Ziff“Not to me there isn’t!” – Homer Simpson
|
| Stop the Middle East, I Want to Get Off |
23 Nov 08 |
“What? Look, all I’m saying is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can’t tell the difference.” – Peter Griffin |
| Administrative Auguries |
19 Nov 08 |
“Haruspicy: predicting the future through the study of animal entrails.” – Dr. Marvin Monroe’s Subliminal Vocabulary Builder |
| Serious Problems Deserving Immediate Attention |
16 Nov 08 |
“‘No more apples in the vending machine please.’ Well, that’s almost a sentence.” – C.M. Burns |
| A Natural |
12 Nov 08 |
“No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning.” – Principal Skinner |
| No School Like the Old School |
9 Nov 08 |
“Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people depicted on television. We are not all vibrant fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.” – Abe Simpson |
| Red, White and a Whole Lot of Blue |
5 Nov 08 |
“It was like that when I got here!” – Bart Simpson |
| Red versus Blue |
2 Nov 08 |
“Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king.” – Sideshow Bob |
October 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Racial Thing |
29 Oct 08 |
“Jesse Jackson is not the Emperor of Black People!” – Token Black“He told my dad he was.” – Stan Marsh |
| A Malingering Process |
26 Oct 08 |
“That just kept goin’, huh?” – Krusty the Klown |
| Low Risk, High Reward |
22 Oct 08 |
“Is this legal, man?” – Jimbo Jones“Only here and in Mississippi.” – Principal Skinner |
| Waiting for Sheriff Bart |
19 Oct 08 |
“Hello Mr. Halper, I’m calling from MoneyBank credit services department. I was wondering if you had a chance to read the threatening letter we sent you?” – MoneyBank Services Representative“Dahh . . .” – Bart Simpson“Because you sound like a mature responsible person who wouldn’t want an unpaid credit card bill to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future, dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event attendance. Now, when can I tell my supervisor, Mr. Robinson, to expect payment?” - MoneyBank Services Representative |
| And Now, Our Main Event . . . |
15 Oct 08 |
“Well, we’re still on, three hundred and forty-six consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who . . . who won’t let me stop!” – Krusty the Klown |
| Americana |
12 Oct 08 |
“Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice, he’s a little boy lost in a game of men.” – Lisa Simpson |
| The Blurst of Times |
8 Oct 08 |
“I can’t believe it; we won another contest.” – Marge Simpson“The Simpsons are going to Delaware!” – Homer Simpson“I wanna see Wilmington!” – Lisa Simpson“I wanna visit a screen door factory!” – Bart Simpson |
| Easier, More Seductive |
5 Oct 08 |
“Marge, I’m feeling a lot of shame right now.” – Homer Simpson“I’m hearing that you feel a lot of shame.” – Marge Simpson
|
| Treat the Heart Attack, But Don’t Forget the Cancer |
1 Oct 08 |
“Homer has many, many horrible problems.” – Springfield General Hospital Doctor/Veterinarian |
September 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Where We At |
28 Sep 08 |
“I’ll get the dictionary.” – Hugh Parkfield“Why?” – Lisa Simpson“You’ll see when you get there, the word ‘Stochastic’.” – Hugh Parkfield“Pertaining to a process involving a randomly determined sequence of observations!” – Lisa Simpson |
| Cautionary Example |
24 Sep 08 |
“You know, I have a feeling there’s a lesson here.” – Homer Simpson“Yes, the lesson is-” – Marge Simpson“No, don’t tell me. I’ll get it.” – Homer Simpson |
| Two Simple Things |
21 Sep 08 |
“I only have two questions, ‘How much?’, and ‘Give it to me’.” – Homer Simpson |
| More Virgins! |
17 Sep 08 |
“Are you trying to piss off the volcano?” – Peter Griffin |
| No Quarter Asked, None Given |
14 Sep 08 |
“I don’t mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn’t Bart have to tell the truth?” – Marge Simpson“Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me.” – Lionel Hutz |
| A Known Unknown |
10 Sep 08 |
“A boat’s a boat, but the mystery box could be anything! It could even be a boat!” – Peter Griffin |
| Three Blind Mice |
7 Sep 08 |
“What about being an illiterate TV clown who’s still more respected than all the scientists, doctors and educators in the country put together?” – Bart Simpson |
| One Step Forward, Three Steps Back |
3 Sep 08 |
“Hi Dad, anything new in the paper today?” – Jay Sherman“Oh . . . usual stuff . . . big type here, little type here.” – Franklin Sherman
|
August 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Hail Mary |
31 Aug 08 |
“Wait a minute, you’re a woman!” – Jay Sherman“What gave me away?” – Alice Tompkins“If I told you, you’d slap me.” – Jay Sherman |
| Something That Matters |
27 Aug 08 |
“I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear, the judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.” – Barney Gumble“Did it work?” – Homer Simpson“I’m a free man ain’t I?” – Barney Gumble |
| Map Reading |
24 Aug 08 |
“North, south, ah nuts to this, I’m gonna take a shortcut.” – Homer Simpson |
| More than We Can Chew |
20 Aug 08 |
“Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid, why can’t both our kids be good?” – Homer Simpson“We have three kids, Homer.” – Marge Simpson |
| The Ruskies are Coming! The Ruskies are Coming! |
17 Aug 08 |
“The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.” – American UN Ambassador“Yes, that’s what we wanted you to think.” – Russian/Soviet UN Ambassador |
| Justice Delayed |
13 Aug 08 |
“Plus it was mostly Kiff’s fault.” – Zapp Brannigan |
| At That Hour in This Office |
10 Aug 08 |
“Hey Lois look, the two symbols of the Republican Party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who’s threatened by change.” – Peter Griffin |
| Cable Access Politics |
6 Aug 08 |
“Awww, but those shows all look so crummy.” – Homer Simpson“Well we can dress it up a bit, we can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage and the most decorative thing of all, the truth.” – Marge Simpson |
| Innocent Until Proven Suicidal |
3 Aug 08 |
“Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll. 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course this is just a television poll, which is not legally binding unless proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.” – Kent Brockman |
July 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| A Tale of Two Phone Calls |
30 Jul 08 |
“Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations which makes it okay.” – “So You’ve Decided to Steal Cable” Pamphlet |
| Come Back Frank Church, Come Back |
27 Jul 08 |
“Mr. Simpson, this government computer can process over nine tax returns per day; did you really think you could fool it?” – IRS Agent |
| Are You Big Fellas Fightin’Over Little ol’ Me? |
23 Jul 08 |
“Boys, stop! You can both marry me!” – Abe Simpson (Queen of the Old West) |
| Pointless |
20 Jul 08 |
“Hey kids, Batman!” – Homer Simpson“Dad, that’s not the real Batman.” – Lisa Simpson“Of course I’m Batman. See, here’s a picture of me with Robin.” – Adam West“Who the hell’s Robin?” – Bart Simpson“Oh, I guess you’re only familiar with the new Batman movies. Michelle Pfeiffer, ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee Meriwether or Eartha Kitt. And I didn’t need molded plastic to improve my physique – pure West. And how come Batman doesn’t dance anymore? Remember the Batusi?” – Adam West |
| Beware Afghanistan |
16 Jul 08 |
“We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.” – Lenny |
| Obama and the Politics of Eavesdropping |
13 Jul 08 |
“Momma, I’m scared of Peter Pan.” – Penny Tompkins“We all are, honey.” – Alice Tompkins |
| Link Slut |
13 Jul 08 |
“Is it a crime to be illiterate?” – Krusty the Klown |
| They’re Just Not That Into Us |
9 Jul 08 |
“You don’t care about me! It’s my cookies! It’s always been the damn cookies! Well sugar, the bakery just closed.” – Stewie Griffin |
| Pssst, We’re Still Not Bombing Iran. Pass It On. |
6 Jul 08 |
“Which, if true, means death for us all.” – Kent Brockman |
| No We’re Not Kidding . . . and Don’t Call Us Shirley |
2 Jul 08 |
“If it’s in a book, it’s gotta be true.” – Milhouse van Houten“Scary, no? And this guy’s head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!” – Bart Simpson
|
June 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Carlin |
29 Jun 08 |
“Dear Lord, that’s the loudest profanity I’ve ever heard.” – Ned Flanders |
| Dangerous Precedents |
25 Jun 08 |
“And that pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. How long does it take to deliver a pizza?” – Marge Simpson |
| First Principals |
22 Jun 08 |
“The only way you’ll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture and I don’t think you’ve got the grapes.” – Stewie Griffin |
| Fear Fading Fast Enough? |
18 Jun 08 |
“Hi there! I am Omar’s daddy and I am a ‘President for Life’. I rely on terror and oppression . . . because everyone plots against me.” – Omar’s Dad |
| Puppet Rebellion |
15 Jun 08 |
“Good Heavens Smithers, they’re not afraid of me anymore!” – C.M. Burns |
| Breathing in Beijing |
11 Jun 08 |
“And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield’s air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.” – Kent Brockman |
| Primary Post Mortem |
8 Jun 08 |
“Ah Bobo, reunited at last. But I can’t help but wonder what the future holds for you. Ah yes, wonder . . .” – C.M. Burns |
| This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You |
4 Jun 08 |
“Boy, you’re gonna have to be punished for this.” – Homer Simpson
“Dad, you could punish me, but that means you’d have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it-” – Bart Simpson
“Ohhh.” – Homer Simpson
“Or, you could let me go play with Milhouse while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.” – Bart Simpson
|
| Yeah, Vista Really Does Suck |
1 Jun 08 |
“They have the internet on computers now.” – Homer Simpson
|
May 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Bring Back Double Features |
28 May 08 |
“If you didn’t catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it someplace else, we’ve got it, on the Blockbuster channel!” – Blockbuster Channel Announcer |
| Stuff Educated, Urban, Liberal People Like |
25 May 08 |
“Krusty’s autobiography was self serving with many glaring omissions.” – Bart Simpson |
| Thrown Off the Bus |
21 May 08 |
“It’s just a little slimy, it’s still good, it’s still good!” – Homer Simpson |
| It’s a Mystery |
18 May 08 |
“Don’t ask me how the economy works.” – Homer Simpson |
| Whatever the Opposite of a Victory Lap Is |
14 May 08 |
“And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives.” – Krusty the Klown |
| John McCain Enters the Octagon |
11 May 08 |
“The Martin Prince you made a deal with no longer exists!” – Martin Prince |
| Children of a Greater God |
7 May 08 |
“We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?” – Homer Simpson
“Oh bitch, bitch, bitch.” – Abe Simpson
|
| Grand Theft Attention |
4 May 08 |
“I must taste blood.” – Penny Tompkins |
April 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Gun Jumping |
30 Apr 08 |
“Sure, it’s not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?” – Homer Simpson |
| I Trust Hillary Clinton |
27 Apr 08 |
“Stewie, uh, any parting words?” – Ed McMahon
“Um, you know I . . . I got beat, pure and simple.” – Stewie Griffin
|
| Denver: City of Love |
23 Apr 08 |
“Victory party under the slide!” – Bart Simpson |
| A Semi-Serious Question |
20 Apr 08 |
“Marge, you being a cop makes you the man, which makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.” – Homer Simpson |
| Pour Some ‘Tussin on It |
16 Apr 08 |
“Thirty cases of cough syrup, sign here.” – Delivery Man
“Ah, ha ha, I got hooked on the stuff in the service.” – Moe the Bartender
|
| 1901: An Oil Odyssey |
13 Apr 08 |
“Boss, I had an idea to lighten up my image. A special feature: Films I Have Loved.” – Jay Sherman
“Okay, but this better not be a list of arty foreign films that nobody gives a crap about.” – Duke Phillips
|
| Questions, Quandaries and Quagmires |
9 Apr 08 |
“Chat away, I’ll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.” – Mayor Quimby |
| Iraq, Episode XI: A Failure by any Other Name |
6 Apr 08 |
“Rocky “V”, that was the fifth one! So Rocky five, plus Rocky two, equals Rocky seven, Adrian’s Revenge!” – Bart Simpson |
| Credit Where Credit Is Due |
2 Apr 08 |
“I now call to order the first meeting of the ancient mystic society of . . . No Homers.” – Number One |
March 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Part of a Balanced Breakfast |
30 Mar 08 |
“I’m an old man, I hate everything but ‘Matlock’.” – Abe Simpson |
| Debts of Honor and Open Doors |
26 Mar 08 |
“When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel balancing centers. Where else but in America, or possibly Canada, could our family find such opportunity?” – Truong van Dinh |
| I Want My NCAA TV |
23 Mar 08 |
“We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you a football game.” – Municipal Roundtable Announcer
“Yes!” – Homer Simpson
|
| Nothing’s Quite Like the First Time |
19 Mar 08 |
“Now that’s what I call a sticky situation.” – Eric Cartman |
| Why Obama Matters |
16 Mar 08 |
“Do you really think this is a good idea Randy?” – Sharon Marsh
“If Saddam is building weapons we have to stop him…with our weapons.” – Randy Marsh
|
| The Dude Abides |
12 Mar 08 |
“If horseracing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling is a…very good sport…as well.” – Homer Simpson |
| Disconnected |
9 Mar 08 |
“Do you get HBO?” – Bart Simpson
“No, that would cost extra.” – Kang
|
| Programming Note |
9 Mar 08 |
“Why don’t we talk about something besides Zapp for awhile?” – Leela |
| Pyrrhic Victory |
5 Mar 08 |
“Loyal Stonecutters, let us begin our re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg.” – Homer Simpson
“Homer, you can’t just keep hanging out with these Colobus monkeys. Somebody’s gonna get parasites.” – Marge Simpson
|
| A Fight We Can Win |
2 Mar 08 |
“I am not cleaning that….enh, who am I kidding?” – Marge Simpson |
February 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| The Back of the Bus |
27 Feb 08 |
“Only geeks sit in the front seat, from now on you sit in the back row. And that’s not just on the bus, it goes for school and church too.” – Bart Simpson
“Why?” – Martin Prince
“So no one can see what you are doing.” – Bart Simpson
“Oh, I think I understand. The potential for mischief varies inversely with one’s proximity to the authority figure.” – Martin Prince
|
| The Downside of Experience |
24 Feb 08 |
“In light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action.” – Mayor Quimby |
| A Clinton Victory Scenario (Seriously) |
20 Feb 08 |
“Being myself didn’t work. Being someone else didn’t work. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to have friends.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Racial Judo |
17 Feb 08 |
“All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist, when actually they were so not racist that they didn’t even make a separation of black and white to begin with.” – Chef |
| Fear Is Hope’s Natural Companion |
13 Feb 08 |
“What if something goes wrong?” – Marge Simpson
“What if. What if I’m taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap…oh my God, I’d be killed!” – Homer Simpson
|
| Perfect Pitch vs Tone Deaf |
10 Feb 08 |
“I can’t tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He’s gotten a little older but you’re gonna see how much he can still rock.” – Rod Stewart’s Manager |
| Democracy Theater |
6 Feb 08 |
“Ripoff!” – Abe Simpson“We paid for blood!” – Hans Moleman |
| Please Don’t Watch Election TV, It’s What They Want |
3 Feb 08 |
“Early reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.” – Kent Brockman |
January 2008
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Clinton-Romney” href=”http://tetheredswimming.com/2008/01/30/obama-mccain-clinton-romney/”>Obama-McCain > Clinton-Romney |
30 Jan 08 |
“Bob, I’m thinking of running as a Republican.” – Duke Phillips
“That nomination is mine!” – Bob Dole
|
| One Love in the Palmetto State |
27 Jan 08 |
“Sir, the polls show you’re doing great with voters across the board, except women.” – Phillips Lackey
“Do they vote?” – Duke Phillips“Yes, we do.” – Alice Tompkins
“Really?” – Duke Phillips
|
| Imperial Folly Is an Expensive Vice |
23 Jan 08 |
“Oh, don’t thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.” – Bart Simpson |
| Please Don’t Nominate This Woman |
20 Jan 08 |
“It’s just…it’s, it’s the same old tired gags, isn’t it? I mean, let’s give the audience some credit.” – Bumblebee Man |
| Screw Super Tuesday |
16 Jan 08 |
“Actually this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Please Nominate This Man |
13 Jan 08 |
“You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?” – Marge Simpson |
| If Everybody’s Wrong It’s Nobody’s Fault, Right? |
9 Jan 08 |
“I’m gonna need a bigger drill.” – Homer Simpson |
| Dissention in the (Republican) Ranks |
6 Jan 08 |
“Screw you guys. I’m going home.” – Eric Cartman |
| Yes, This Really Is How We Choose Our President |
2 Jan 08 |
“Aw Dad, it’s just a popularity contest.” – Bart Simpson“Just a popularity contest! Excuse me, what’s more important than popularity?” – Homer Simpson |
December 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Pakistan Can Care for Itself |
30 Dec 07 |
“Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” – Homer Simpson |
| Patriotism |
26 Dec 07 |
“I’d just like to use this occasion to announce my retirement, undefeated, from the world of video boxing.” – Bart Simpson |
| No Product Left Behind |
23 Dec 07 |
“Ah son, you don’t need all that junk. I’m sure you’ve already got something much more important, a decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you.” – Homer Simpson |
| We Who Are About to Die, Salute You |
19 Dec 07 |
“This is boring.” – Stan Marsh“Yeah. Hey! When are we gonna to get to some action?” – Kyle Broflovski |
| Do They Have Weather Underground? |
16 Dec 07 |
“Ohhh, eight carousels, we’re in for a real treat.” – Marge Simpson |
| An Open Letter to the American Government |
12 Dec 07 |
“Dear baby, welcome to Dumpville, population: you.” – Homer Simpson |
| Why Does the Media Suck? |
9 Dec 07 |
“I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?” – Bart Simpson“I’m Dave Shutton. I’m an investigative reporter who’s on the road a lot and I must say that in my day we didn’t talk that way to our elders.” – Dave Shutton“Well this is my day and we do, sir.” – Bart Simpson |
| It Ain’t Over ’til the Fat Lady…Wins a Primary |
5 Dec 07 |
“You’re gonna like me! You’re gonna love me! Cuz I can do most any-thing!” – Gabbo Theme Song |
| Kids These Days, I Tell Ya… |
3 Dec 07 |
“By the way, I’m aware of the irony of appearing on teevee in order to decry it. So don’t bother pointing that out.” – Sideshow Bob |
November 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Trent & Denny Sitting in a Tree, Q-u-i-t-i-n-g |
28 Nov 07 |
“Sorry, Bart. Your dad kinda blew the fantasy. I only like it when I’m pretend scared.” – Milhouse van Houten |
| Divine Wind: Rudy Giuliani & Mitt Romney |
25 Nov 07 |
“Like most members of America’s cultural elite, I worship Pan, the Goat God.” – Duke Phillips |
| Divine Wind: Fred Thompson & John McCain |
21 Nov 07 |
“Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent the van Dammes.” – Bart Simpson |
| Divine Wind: Mike Huckabee & Friends |
18 Nov 07 |
“This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It’s not even about him.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Divine Wind |
14 Nov 07 |
“We need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy, a true leader who will do exactly as he’s told.” – C.M. Burns |
| Move Armistice Day |
11 Nov 07 |
“Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe’s Day.” – Mayor Quimby“Uh sir, this is already Veterans Day.” – Bodyguard“It can be two things!” – Mayor Quimby |
| Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? |
7 Nov 07 |
“I know you are, but what am I?” – Bart Simpson |
| Seven Down, One to Go |
4 Nov 07 |
“Everything looks bad if you remember it.” – Homer Simpson |
October 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Wait, What Time Is It? |
31 Oct 07 |
“8:58, first time I’ve ever been early for work, except for all those Daylight Savings days…lousy farmers.” – Homer Simpson |
| How Do You Spell “Cam Ranh Bay” in Arabic? |
28 Oct 07 |
“Go away! There ain’t no monorail and there never was!” – Monorail Café Employee |
| Anything You Can Do I Can Do Greener |
24 Oct 07 |
“I am even dustier! Dustier than thou!” – Sideshow Mel |
| President Woman; President Token |
21 Oct 07 |
“A gay President in 2084?” – Lisa Simpson“We’re realistic.” – Gay Republican |
| Of Straw and Camels’ Backs |
17 Oct 07 |
“You see, killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them until they reached their limit and shut down.” – Zap Brannigan |
| Putting the T&A in TSA |
14 Oct 07 |
“Clean…clean…pistol…Uzi…two kids posing as an adult…” – Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Security Guard |
| No…We Insist |
10 Oct 07 |
“As a final humiliation, you must walk home naked, dragging behind you the stone of shame.” – Number One |
| Larry Craig: Top or Bottom? Inquiring Minds Want to Know! |
7 Oct 07 |
“I’m putting you where the action is.” – C.M. Burns“Springtime fresh, winter white, what could be better?” – Mr. Smithers |
| Did Anyone Tell These People What “Blackwater” Means? |
3 Oct 07 |
“We got a little rule back home, if it’s brown drink it down, if it’s black send it back.” – Homer Simpson |
September 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| I Find Remakes Tedious |
30 Sep 07 |
“The fact is you don’t have to be able to read to enjoy The Springfield Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal and Susan Sontag.” – Sideshow Bob |
| Pickup Truck X-Games |
26 Sep 07 |
“No Peter, it’s perfectly normal to siphon jet fuel from an active runway with the intention of flying a pickup truck.” – Glen Quagmire |
| Back Where We Were |
23 Sep 07 |
“Chef, we’re in a repeat.” – Stan Marsh“A repeat?” – Chef“Cartman was visited by aliens again last night, and now it’s like we’re living a repeat of a previous day.” – Kyle Broflovski“Ah dude, I hate repeats.” – Eric Cartman |
| To Go or Not To Go: The Art of the 4th Down Argument |
19 Sep 07 |
“I think I know why your son beat you. Apparently you’re a, you’re a twelve year old pre-pubescent girl, which is good cuz I finally have someone to give this training bra to.” – Peter Griffin |
| I’ve Seen the Fat Lady, But I Haven’t Heard the Fat Lady |
16 Sep 07 |
“I don’t think they’re giving you enough information Dad.” – Lisa Simpson“I’ll figure it out. I’m gonna use all the power of my brain.” – Homer Simpson |
| Equal and Opposite Reactions |
12 Sep 07 |
“Dad is taking this in a less than heroic fashion.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Idiots and Maniacs |
9 Sep 07 |
“I’m sick of you people, you’re nothing but a pack of fickle mush heads.” – Mayor Quimby“He’s right.” – Springfield Woman“Give us hell, Quimby!” Springfield Man |
| Return of the America Shield |
5 Sep 07 |
“What could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football?” – Lisa Simpson |
| The Baskin Robbins of Bullshit |
2 Sep 07 |
“Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.” – Amy Wong |
August 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Impress Your Friends with Daily Trivia! |
29 Aug 07 |
“Hey, wait a minute. That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga, how could he be in two places at once?” – Bart Simpson |
| Blood on the Flag: As Impeachable as Semen on a Dress? |
26 Aug 07 |
“My mother was a saint.” – Richard Nixon“Yes, I’m sure she was un-impeachable.” – Jay Sherman |
| Bush Victim Zero |
22 Aug 07 |
“Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore?” – Bender |
| Rove Resigns, Ivan Drago ”Disappointed” |
19 Aug 07 |
“You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee, we’re not licked yet.” – C.M. Burns“Yes we are. Come on boys, the old guy’s finished.” – Burns for Governor Campaign Manager |
| ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: But It Might Be Time to See Other People |
15 Aug 07 |
“People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands; resistance is useless.” – Bart Simpson |
| ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: They Just Don’t Know How to Love |
12 Aug 07 |
“Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggie in the barn ‘cause here comes dodgeball action! The shirts continued their domination over the skins today.” – Bart Simpson |
| ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: The Devil Made Them Do It |
8 Aug 07 |
“Well sir, we’re two hours and forty-five minutes into the pre-game show, and we’ve got ourselves a special guest, actor Troy McClure whose new sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough right after the game.” – Brent Gunsilmen |
| Tricks of the Trade |
8 Aug 07 |
“Hey Miss Doesn’t-Find-Me-Attractive-Sexually-Anymore, I just tripled my productivity.” – Homer Simpson |
| Trouble a Brewin’ |
5 Aug 07 |
“Gentlemen, it’s time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able.” – Mayor Quimby |
| Gambling? Sports? Say It Ain’t So |
1 Aug 07 |
“Chief Wiggum could you hand me that little black book?” – Moe the Bartender“Oh, sure thing Moe, I was just using it as a coaster.” – Chief Wiggum |
July 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| My Latest Claptrap About My Waning Libido |
29 Jul 07 |
“How could you Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.” – Bart Simpson“Ohh, they drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I’m not made of stone!” – Krusty the Klown |
| Like Chocolate and Peanut Butter |
25 Jul 07 |
“I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.” – Marge Simpson“Yeah, yeah.” – Homer Simpson“Well, explain to me why it isn’t.” – Marge Simpson“Ehh, you just don’t understand football, Marge.” – Homer Simpson |
| Pilgrim in an Unholy Land |
25 Jul 07 |
“Is there no end to my torture?” – Jay Sherman |
| Our Honored Dead |
22 Jul 07 |
“Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.” – Lisa Simpson |
| Let’s Waste Some More Time |
22 Jul 07 |
“You make numerous threatening references to the UN, and the end you repeat the words ‘Screw Flanders’over and over again.” – Springfield Shopper Managing Editor |
| The Prime Sin |
18 Jul 07 |
“Troy, this circle is you.” – Brad Goodman“My God, it’s like you’ve known me all my life!” – Troy McClure |
| My Slip Is Showing |
15 Jul 07 |
“You’re not going to throw red paint at the executives are you? The Keebler people were very upset.” – Marge Simpson |
| Press Release (Of the Future!) |
15 Jul 07 |
“Ohhh ‘Meltdown’, it’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.” – C.M. Burns |
| Title Fight Still Scheduled for September |
11 Jul 07 |
“I’ll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.” – Homer Simpson |
| iDon’t Care |
8 Jul 07 |
“How innovative. I like it.” – Martin Prince“Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton. Beat up Martin.” – Kearney |
| Two-Hundred and Thirty-One |
4 Jul 07 |
“Stand back while I celebrate freedom!” – Homer Simpson |
| “Spaceballs” Is the Only Good Thing Joan Rivers Has Ever Done (In Public) |
1 Jul 07 |
“Simpson scandal update, Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.” – Channel 6 News Anchor“Hey, that’s a half truth!” – Homer Simpson |
June 2007
| Title & Permanent Link |
Date Published |
Quote |
| Unintended Consequences: Amendment XXII |
27 Jun 07 |
“Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies!” – Mayor Quimby“Uh…election in November…election in November…” – Mayor’s Aide“What, again? This stupid country…” – Mayor Quimby |
| From East Germany with Love |
24 Jun 07 |
“Do you want to know the terrifying truth? Or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers?” – Mark McGwire“Dingers! Dingers!” – Springfield Townspeople |
| A Republican, a Democrat, and a Jew walk into a bar… |
20 Jun 07 |
“Well I believe I’ll vote for a third party candidate.” – Voter“Go ahead, throw your vote away!” – Kang |
| Institutionalized Stupidity: Airport Security |
17 Jun 07 |
“I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.” – Superintendent Chalmers |
| 18 Avenue de Suffren |
13 Jun 07 |
“Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she’s a thoughtless, talentless lowlife.” – Mr. Slave |
| I’ve Been on the Job For Almost Three Weeks, I Deserve a Break |
13 Jun 07 |
“Doesn’t your job start tomorrow?” – Marge Simpson“Ahh somebody’ll cover for me.” – Homer Simpson |
| Your Guide to Not Watching the Presidential Primary Debates |
10 June 07 |
“Welcome to Decision ‘96, it’s eighteen months until the election and tonight we’ll focus on the vice-presidential candidates. Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from Baywatch.” – Debate Host |
| Silent Sponsors |
6 Jun 07 |
“Dad, was that your commercial?” – Lisa Simpson“I don’t know.” – Homer Simpson |
| Pssst, We’re Not Bombing Iran. Pass It On |
3 Jun 07 |
“Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.” – Homer Simpson |
May 2007
