“That cactus is right!” – Homer Simpson Four years ago, South Carolina did more than any other state to set up McCain-Obama, the best possible matchup. And while Mitt Romney is still the most likely Red nominee – even after last night’s Palmetto drubbing – if he is going to lose, this is pretty much [...]
Archive for the ‘Republican Presidential Primary’ Category
The Russian Is Cut
Sometimes Satan Cloaks Himself in Truth
“Homer, I’m as permissive as the next parent. I mean, just yesterday I let Todd buy some Red-Hots with a cartoon devil on the box.” – Ned Flanders The people of Iowa are waking up to a Santorum-Romney hangover this morning, and the political gossip press is a whirling dervish of pointless analysis. Romney’s reflexive [...]
The Perpetual Nature of Conservative Reactions and Right Wing Apocalypses
“I promise you zombies more raw human flesh than any President since Roosevelt!” – Duke Phillips The most hopeful conception of the political conflicts of our time is that, three or four decades from now, rational people will look back on our arguments and foibles and conclude that we were harmlessly deranged. After all, what [...]
Red Through Blue
Things That Matter to the Red Nomination
“You’ve got to put these cult people in their place or else they never stop. I’m gonna go kick this Mr. Harrison’s ass . . . Mr. Harrison is a white guy, right?” – Randy Marsh “Yeah.” – Stan Marsh “Yeah, I’m gonna kick his ass!” – Randy Marsh It is essentially impossible to completely [...]
The Imaginary Frontrunner
“So, you want a realistic, down to earth show that’s completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?” – Focus Group Guy So far I’ve had the good sense not to watch any of the ludicrous dog and pony shows that have been mislabeled as Republican “debates”. The chances of any of them producing [...]
Fundamental(ist) Cracks
“What are you talking about Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?” – Jebediah Springfield “Cause they’re so attractive. I thought that was the whole point of this journey.” – Shelbyville Manhattan “Absolutely not!” – Jebediah Springfield “I tell you, I won’t live in a town that robs men of the right to [...]
New Rules on the Road to Tampa
“Um, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?” – Homer Simpson “Yes, but we paid you four dollars.” – Luann van Houten “Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of . . . seven hundred dollars. Now, you’ve already paid [...]
The Long Road to Tampa
“How do you feel about it helping to be crazy to work here, but not being necessary?” – Ipgee the Cryogenics Guy As we enter the fourth month of 2011, no serious Reds have officially declared their candidacies for the White House. They resemble nothing so much as a pack of children nervously eyeing a [...]
Red Balls
“We all got used to seeing lots of really perverted stuff on the internet, so now we can’t go back to Playboy.” – Guy at Refugee Camp “I know, right!” – Randy Marsh The byline brigade is starting to get antsy that not a single high profile Red had officially declared her or his willingness [...]
Primary Post Mortem
This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You
“Boy, you’re gonna have to be punished for this.” – Homer Simpson “Dad, you could punish me, but that means you’d have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it-” – Bart Simpson “Ohhh.” – Homer Simpson “Or, you could let me go play with Milhouse while you spend the [...]
Perfect Pitch vs Tone Deaf
Democracy Theater
Please Don’t Watch Election TV, It’s What They Want
Obama-McCain > Clinton-Romney
Screw Super Tuesday
“Actually this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency.” – Lisa Simpson Mitt Romney lived to fight another day last night. One of his three home states, Michigan, popped for him to the tune of almost 40%, allowing Romney, and his fire hose of money, to continue to bless the advertising [...]
Please Nominate This Man
“You’re not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?” – Marge Simpson On Tuesday John McCain won the New Hampshire primary for the second time this decade. There has been much fretting on the left that, in the national race, he would be the most formidable opponent the Reds could nominate. [...]
Dissention in the (Republican) Ranks
“Screw you guys. I’m going home.” – Eric Cartman Do you smell that? On Thursday actual non-media citizens expressed their preference for our leaders, on Tuesday it’s going to happen again and the country is going smell like democracy all week. What a refreshing change from the usual odor of contorted analysis and posturing outrage. [...]
Yes, This Really Is How We Choose Our President
“Aw Dad, it’s just a popularity contest.” – Bart Simpson “Just a popularity contest! Excuse me, what’s more important than popularity?” – Homer Simpson Tomorrow is the Iowa Caucuses, and we can finally drop the idiotic idea that the minor differences between health plans and immigration plans put forward by each candidate, most of which [...]
We Who Are About to Die, Salute You
“This is boring.” – Stan Marsh “Yeah. Hey! When are we gonna to get to some action?” – Kyle Broflovski Two more weeks, two more weeks, two more weeks…that’s what I keep telling myself. In just two weeks we’ll finally have the Iowa Caucuses, and then less than a week after that we’ll get the [...]
Divine Wind: Rudy Giuliani & Mitt Romney
“Like most members of America’s cultural elite, I worship Pan, the Goat God.” – Duke Phillips Here at Tethered Swimming we’re examining the Republican presidential candidates and how they might fare in a general election that appears to be stacked against any Republican nominee. Today we’re looking at Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney. Last Sunday [...]
Divine Wind: Fred Thompson & John McCain
“Want results? You have to go to the Schwarzeneggers, the Stallones, and to a lesser extent the van Dammes.” – Bart Simpson Here at Tethered Swimming we’re going to examine the Republican presidential candidates and how they might fare in a general election that appears to be stacked against any Republican nominee. Today we’re looking [...]
Divine Wind: Mike Huckabee & Friends
“This biography of Bart came out awfully quickly. It’s not even about him.” – Lisa Simpson Here at Tethered Swimming we’re going to examine the Republican presidential candidates and how they might fare in a general election that appears to be stacked against any Republican nominee. Today we’re looking at Mike Huckabee and the also [...]
Divine Wind
“We need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy, a true leader who will do exactly as he’s told.” – C.M. Burns By almost any measure the Republican nominee is going to have a rough go of it next year. The reasons are obvious enough but worth restating anyway. First and foremost is the [...]
