“Bart, the school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze, and I have you to thank.” – Principal Skinner There’s no real mystery behind this past week’s massive, multi-front blowback against the genital scanner security theater at airports. The creeping police state that’s been infecting America ever since the cops began militarizing in [...]
Archive for the ‘Institutionalized Stupidity’ Category
Wrinkled Skin: Our Last Line of Defense
Money, Time and Torture
“He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone we’ll think he’s changed and let him back into our circle.” – Kyle Broflovski One of the most basic equations that all humans are familiar with is the exchange of time for money. Whether one is salaried, hourly, or piece work, money comes in exchange for time [...]
Sorry Queermos, There’s An Election Afoot
“But I read in Esqwired magazine that some robots are hard wired to be robosexual.” – Gay Robot “Don’t believe those lies, son! The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible.” – Reverend Lionel Preacherbot On Friday, Alex Pareene at Salon wondered why the Obama Administration, ostensibly committed to repealing the military’s [...]
Authoritarian Naivete
“Attention, this is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school. My authority as principal is total.” – Principal Skinner When he was in junior high, a friend of mine said the word “fuck” within earshot of one of the principals. Naturally, this meant a trip down to the office. While my friend was [...]
War Coverage
“I don’t know what’s happening. It seems our profits have dropped thirty-seven percent.” – C.M. Burns “I’m afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research show people see you as something of an ogre.” – Mr. Smithers “I ought to club them and eat their bones!” – C.M. Burns A couple of months ago [...]
Idle Hands, Invisible Hands
Better Late Than Never (American ETA: 2039)
Vested Interests
“You are tampering with forces you can’t understand. We have major corporations sponsoring this event.” – Mayor Quimby “I hope you know you’re sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate.” – Lisa Simpson “A pirate? Well that’s hardly the image we want for Long John Silver’s!” – Corporate Sponsor Guy There’s a nice, short article [...]
Plata o Plomo
“You didn’t see nothin’.” – Fat Tony “I don’t know why people are always bad mouthing the mafia.” – Eddie A couple of weeks ago, there was a great article in The New Yorker about Mexican drug gangs. In quite a few places, the gangs have basically taken over the local and state government apparatuses [...]
The Gulf of Mexico Does Not Have a Football Team
“It couldn’t possibly be bottomless.” – Lisa Simpson “Well, for all intents and purposes.” – Bart Simpson Way back in 2000, before the fall of American civilization, there was a feeling of resignation among environmentalist types. The evidence for global warming was already overwhelming and sitting Vice President/environmental champion Al Gore was running for President, [...]
Obama Orders Team America Into Action
“And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.” – Chief Wiggum “Is that so? . . . Oh Flanders, won’t you join me in my kitchen? – Homer Simpson The disclosure that President Obama has authorized the military to perform what amount to small scale invasions [...]
Darth Vader Had It Easy
“But Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you’d find out.” – Homer Simpson Back at the beginning of the Bush the Younger’s reign of destruction, Dick Cheney famously invoked the Star Wars concept of the “dark side”. This was Cheney in his element, doing his best Colonel Jessup imitation of a tough man [...]
Flag Desecration
“Zoidberg, how could you? I used to think you were cool.” – Fry Shortly after he took office last year, Barack Obama made the fateful decision to continue his predecessor’s system of military tribunals. Amidst the flowery civil rights rhetoric the accompanied the announcement, the real message came through loud and clear: we cannot allow [...]
The Devil’s In the Demographics
“Now it’s just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I’m sure that’s what’s on all their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live.” – Eric Cartman Of all the pixels that have been killed and all the ink [...]
California, Don’t Let Me Down
“I know! Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you’re a hippie, and hippies suck.” – Eric Cartman This week, supporters of genuine marijuana legalization submitted enough signatures to have their eminently sensible petition placed in California’s notoriously wild and raucous plebiscite system. That such a heretical idea can be considered plausible by its [...]
The Hump
Reality Returning
“Think hard, Elvis. You’re not really the king of rock ’n roll. You’re a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town, mmkay?” – Mr. Mackey “Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor!” – Officer Barbrady We are still living in Bush the Younger’s America. That hideous little man warped the politics [...]
Damage Done
“He’s violating Seabreeze!” – Carter Pewterschmidt “No, no, he’s just awkwardly positioning himself-now he’s violating Seabreeze.” – Peter Griffin Dan Quayle once got into some hot water with the press because of allegations that his wealthy and well connected family had pulled some strings to get him into the National Guard, where he’d be protected [...]
“An Avalanche of Shit”
Why CNN Is Worse Than Fox News
“I’m sorry little girl, we don’t just put people on teevee . . . unless of course they’re replying to an editorial.” – Channel 6 Station Manager “Uh, I am. I’m strongly opposed to proposition, uh, 305.” – Lisa Simpson “You’re against discount bus fares for war widows?” – Channel 6 Station Manager “Uh, you [...]
Even More Shameful Shit
“Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night or you can turn to another channel.” – Kent Brockman In 2006 three murders were committed by unknown US government employees at Guantanamo Bay. As you’d expect the incident was covered up, with the deaths being played off as a group suicide. [...]
Security Theater Goes to Eleven
“Okay everybody, let’s see some big smiles! Just relax and let the hooks do their work.” – Ned Flanders (Unquestioned Lord and Master of the World) Teachers, prison guards and drill sergeants know that the best way to truly break the spirit of one of their charges is to enforce an innumerable number of petty [...]
