Archive for August 2008

Hail Mary

“Wait a minute, you’re a woman!” – Jay Sherman “What gave me away?” – Alice Tompkins “If I told you, you’d slap me.” – Jay Sherman Picking a running mate is always a dangerous decision for a presidential candidate.  The bottom half of the ticket cannot win an election but it can lose an election; [...]

Something That Matters

“I had to give a speech once.  I was pretty nervous so I used a little trick.  I pictured everyone in their underwear, the judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody.” – Barney Gumble “Did it work?” – Homer Simpson “I’m a free man ain’t I?” – Barney Gumble Tomorrow night is the biggest speech of [...]

Map Reading

“North, south, ah nuts to this, I’m gonna take a shortcut.” – Homer Simpson On Wednesday of this week FiveThirtyEight had Obama losing a majority of their simulations for the first time ever; panic swept the land.  Normally this is where I’d insert the standard caveat that polls don’t mean anything this far from the [...]

More than We Can Chew

“Oh, we always have one good kid and one lousy kid, why can’t both our kids be good?” – Homer Simpson “We have three kids, Homer.” – Marge Simpson There is no divine law that says that if one of our wars is going poorly the other must be going well.  But there is a [...]

The Ruskies are Coming! The Ruskies are Coming!

“The Soviet Union?  I thought you guys broke up.” – American UN Ambassador “Yes, that’s what we wanted you to think.” – Russian/Soviet UN Ambassador There once was a strain of conservative thought on foreign policy which boiled down to “America is not a global police force.”  Sadly, it’s gone out of favor and been [...]

Justice Delayed

“Plus it was mostly Kiff’s fault.” – Zapp Brannigan It was a busy news weekend and between the Olympics and the war in the Caucasus something nearly as profound got overlooked.  Last week a military jury down at Guantanamo returned a split verdict in the case of Salim Hamdan, acquitting him of the most serious [...]

At That Hour in This Office

“Hey Lois look, the two symbols of the Republican Party, an elephant and a big fat white guy who’s threatened by change.” – Peter Griffin On Thursday, 8 August 1974 Richard Nixon announced his ultimate humiliation to the nation. The next day he turned in his signed resignation letter, boarded the green helicopter one last [...]

Cable Access Politics

“Awww, but those shows all look so crummy.” – Homer Simpson “Well we can dress it up a bit, we can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage and the most decorative thing of all, the truth.” – Marge Simpson I voted yesterday, it was non-presidential primary day.  The ballot was headed [...]

Innocent Until Proven Suicidal

“Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll.  95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty.  Of course this is just a television poll, which is not legally binding unless proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.” – Kent Brockman Friday saw what may be the first real (public) progress in [...]

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