Tethered Swimming

“This is boring.” - Stan Marsh

“Yeah.  Hey!  When are we gonna to get to some action?” - Kyle Broflovski

Two more weeks, two more weeks, two more weeks…that’s what I keep telling myself.  In just two weeks we’ll finally have the Iowa Caucuses, and then less than a week after that we’ll get the first actual primary in a race that started about seven seconds after Conrad Burns conceded last November and the Senate was confirmed as going Blue.  That’s a gap of almost fourteen months and to get some actual results in place of op-ed columns and on-line dustups declaring who won what will be a welcome relief.

We’re going to get four and a half exciting and meaningful weeks from the first week in January until the first week in February and then it’ll be back to the nonsense that we’ve had to endure this past year.  Both nominations will likely be decided by the February 5th primary orgy and after that we’re going to have to endure half a year’s worth of campaigning before we even get to the conventions.  It’s stupid and wasteful, and, what’s worse, it’s going to be boring.

So get ready for the good stuff, folks, because it ain’t gonna last.  While it’s happening, here are some memes and inevitably stupid storylines to watch for, in no particular order:

The Bush Administration Lies! - To call this White House scandal ridden or scandal prone is inadequate, at this point Bush the Younger’s presidency is primarily comprised of scandals.  As more and more of the Administration’s wrongdoing ends up in court, on television or in front of hostile Congressional committees, each new day brings with it a chance for something to explode all over the people vying to replace him.

Some of these Candidates Aren’t Protestant White Guys! - (Subheadings: Hillary Clinton is a Girl!, Barack Obama is Black!, Mitt Romney is a Mormon!) - These well established facts will still be cause for some public hand wringing, no matter the outcomes.  If, say, Obama wins in New Hampshire, some television anchor will throw it to an analyst with a lead in like, “We hate to even bring this up, but did Obama have any kind of racial prejudice to overcome here?”  If Obama, say, loses in New Hampshire that same intro would sound something like this, “Do you think this had anything to do with the fact that Obama isn’t white?”  Either way religion, gender, or race will be mentioned and someone will likely take it too far and make a story about a story.  Should be fun.

Voters Really Care About X! - In the aftermath of any vote there’s usually a knee jerk poll that says that one thing was on the minds of voters above others.  That one thing then morphs into the keystone for explaining what happened.  Later and more sober analysis usually proves this wrong, but it’ll be around for a few days.

Matchups! - It’s like speculating about playoff matchups.  Do you deliberately lose in Week 17 because you’d rather play the Colts than the Patriots in round 2?  Whoever looks to be ahead on one side after Iowa, then after New Hampshire and so on, will be scrutinized against whoever looks to be ahead on the other side at the same time.  Of course, speculation about how that might affect strategic thinking voters in the next round will be rampant and completely pointless.

I’m on record as saying that I think year round coverage of political campaigns is as silly as it is relentless.  I believe that, but the flip side is that right now, as we approach the primaries, obsessive coverage and hoopla are appropriate.  A single ill phrased remark or poorly timed joke really can sink a campaign or elect a president.  Uncountable lives and dollars hang in the balance.  Let the games begin.