“I know you are, but what am I?” – Bart Simpson
Five months ago I wrote a post arguing that we weren’t going to be attacking Iran regardless of the crazy bullshit floating around in the press. Having just re-read it, I see no reason to alter my conclusion. Attacking Iran is, even by the fantastic standards of the current Administration, simply too insane. There are all kinds of logical arguments against such an attack, starting with the simple fact that it wouldn’t work. Bombing that country cannot end a nuclear weapons program that either doesn’t exist or barely exists and it certainly won’t cause any regimes to change. Employing logical arguments to rebut psychotic ramblings (like this) has a certain grown-up character to it, but it’s out of place in our juvenile political discourse.
In that spirit, I would like to make a humble suggestion to any writer, pundit, Sabbath gasbag, presidential candidate or other opponent of attacking Iran who has access to a camera, a microphone or a keyboard. Two words: dick fear. People on the pro-war side of various arguments over the last few years have often advanced, sometimes subtly and sometimes overtly, the argument that those who are against the season’s fashionable war are basically pussies. In addition to this being more than a little childish it is also patently false. I say we reverse the process. Observe:
After all, it doesn’t make any sense for us to be afraid of a country that sports a whopping 4% of our GDP* and spent most of the eighties fighting Saddam Hussein to a standstill when it only took us four days to wipe out his entire army in ‘91. What kind of a bedwetting coward are you to be scared of such people? Does your giant, yellow belly prevent you from seeing your tiny and flaccid penis? What other medium sized countries with a history of military futility frighten you? Poland? Ethiopia? Don’t worry though, your mom told me to tell you not be scared, she already laid out your pajamas with the feet.
None of that does anything to address the arguments being employed by those who think we should attack Iran, but so what? On the merits of the case there is no rational argument for bombing Iran, but seeing as how the unrepentant neoconservatives don’t want to hear that we might as well have a little fun with some childish name calling. Plus, it might work better as a counterargument than reasoned discourse.
One of the hallmarks of conservative argument the last few years has been the imposition of wild assumptions as the starting point of debate. The preeminent example of this occurred during the run-up to our invasion of Iraq when it was taken for granted in most public discourse that Iraq possessed illegal weapons. The issue of whether or not the weapons existed was skipped altogether and we went right into, “What are we going to do about them?” Much the same tactic is being used now when the topic turns to Iran.
The rejoinder to my charges of penile insecurity and cowardice is probably something along the lines of, “You naïve peaceniks just don’t understand how the world works, Neville Chamberlain, Neville Chamberlain, Neville Chamberlain!” I would then fashion an equally un-provable response about paranoia, not being scared of every little thing in the world that you don’t like, and the nonexistence of the Bogyman. Incisive playground taunting has nothing to do with Iran, but it attacks the puffed up credibility of the armchair warriors instead of their ever shifting rationales for war. The only leg they have to stand on is their bellicose machismo; it seems like a good target to aim for.
There is one other advantage to my grammar school stratagem. The saber rattlers, who always seem to find something better to do than actually fight in the wars they so relentlessly advocate, probably have plenty of painful memories from recesses and lunch tables that, when recalled, can still sting. It would be no injustice to help them remember.
*GDP numbers from here (PDF).
Note: After screwing with it longer than I probably should have I cannot get the first link to work in Internet Explorer. I think it’s because there is an apostrophe in the title and I’m not sure if it’s on WordPress or on Microsoft, but it works just fine in Firefox. If you’re using IE, you’ll need to click on the Archives link at right and go to June. The post is near the bottom and is titled “Pssst, We’re Not Bombing Iran. Pass It On”.
