Tethered Swimming

“I think I know why your son beat you.  Apparently you’re a, you’re a twelve year old pre-pubescent girl, which is good cuz I finally have someone to give this training bra to.” - Peter Griffin

Football has been back amongst us for a few weeks now and I’ve already been reminded countless times how much I missed it.  One of the nice little bonuses of watching football, either at the stadium or on television, is that once or twice a game you get a debatable fourth down.  It can happen early or late but when it comes up you’ve got anywhere from thirty seconds to about two minutes to hash it out.

I’m not talking about the end of the game when one side is desperate and has to go for it; I’m talking about when it’s arguable in both directions.  Early in the game a good looking drive might have stalled on something fluky; or the offense might be in that nebulous zone where it’s sorta too long for a field goal and sorta too short for a punt; or you might have something weird like fourth and two from the three yard line.  Do you go, knowing that you need only two yards for a first down and three for a real score, or do you lay up and take the three measly points?

That, in a nutshell, is what the argument usually comes down to: aggression versus patience.  In a sport that drips testosterone kicking on a debatable fourth down will always seem passive and unmanly.  Of course, it might also be the right thing to do.  Whether or not it works and who wins the game will determine if the coach looks smart or stupid.

For us mere fans though, either at home or in the stands, those few seconds between the end of third down and the snap on fourth provide a sweet little window of risk free football argument.  It consists of two parts, first, do you want to go for it or not, and second, your justification for doing so.

The first part is almost instinctual.  You don’t have a whole lot of time to make up your mind (and you may have been drinking) so this one usually comes from the gut.  The general disposition of most crowds means that when the quarterback trots back onto the field a cheer goes up and the sight of the kicker elicits boos, but individuals are free to pick the other side.

Once you’ve stated a position you pretty much have to stick with it.  Since your answer will have no bearing on what actually happens, it’s just poor form to think out loud and waffle once you’ve come down for or against.  In other life decisions taking a moment to think and maybe going back and forth a few times to see which is more comfortable can be useful.  For fourth down arguments though, it’s just egotism.

After you’ve chosen a side you’ve got two or three sentences, at most, to make your case.  Here is a partial list of your options:

Football Acumen/Snobbery - Describe the type of play that should be called and a couple of reasons why.  This one can work especially well if you know the name of a defender who might be picked on for whatever reason; dropping the name of a lineman or two will also help your credibility.

Example:  “Run Maroney off tackle, Castillo and Williams haven’t had a breather in awhile.”

Loudness - If alcohol has clouded your mind you can always just try being louder and letting the volume of your voice make your argument.  This is what passes for discourse on television and it can work in real life as well.

Example:  “GO FOR IT!”

Precedent - Remember situation Y in game X?  This can be something involving your team or their opponent, or just a random game with a similar score, field position or time remaining.  You get bonus points if it’s a game other people remember but didn’t bring up.

Example:  “This is just like last year during the Tony Romo Game when Seattle went for it twice in one drive, made it, and then couldn’t convert at the goal line later.”

Sarcasm - I’m not sure this merits its own category, but you can always make your argument sarcastic, this works particularly well if your team sucks and everyone knows it.

Example:  “Oh no, [derogatory nickname for the coach]’s going for it!  We’re doomed, doomed I tells ya!”

Situational - This is the coldly logical one.  You’ll need to describe the pros and cons of going for it or not and mention the relative odds of each happening.

Example:  “If we go right up the gut we probably make it and either score or set ourselves up from the one.  If we don’t make it we’ve still got the lead and they have to go the whole field.”

Testicular Fortitude - The purest form of the argument, and it only works for one side: going for it on fourth down.  This is where you say, implicitly or explicitly, that if they don’t go for it they aren’t worthy of calling themselves a football team.

Example:  “Fuck kicking, you gotta go for this!”

Fourth down conversions are another one of those little moments of combat that sprinkle themselves throughout a football game.  The offense can convert it, keep the defense on the field and make a real statement.  Or the defense can come up big, shut down a ballsy call and swing the momentum their way.  Either way, you gotta love it.