“Hey, wait a minute. That was the same day he was at Ticonderoga, how could he be in two places at once?” – Bart Simpson One of the most popular substitute teachers at my high school would read us interesting, “On this day in history…” type trivia before class. He’d recite funny little stories about [...]
Archive for August 2007
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Blood on the Flag: As Impeachable as Semen on a Dress?
“My mother was a saint.” – Richard Nixon “Yes, I’m sure she was un-impeachable.” – Jay Sherman Exactly two years ago, on 26 August 2005 (three days before Katrina hit New Orleans), I wrote an e-mail to a friend of mine in which I laid out my reasons for believing that Bush the Younger would [...]
Bush Victim Zero
“Are you familiar with my friend Al Gore?” – Bender One of initial consequences of Al Gore’s rolling Live Earth series of concerts last month was to finally bury any speculation that he is going to run for president again. Prior to that he’d denied that he has any plans to run, but that didn’t [...]
Rove Resigns, Ivan Drago “Disappointed”
“You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee, we’re not licked yet.” – C.M. Burns “Yes we are. Come on boys, the old guy’s finished.” – Burns for Governor Campaign Manager Karl Rove is quitting at the end of the month and no one knows quite what to say [...]
ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: But It Might Be Time to See Other People
“People of Earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. Your planet is in our hands; resistance is useless.” – Bart Simpson Communicating a live sporting event through a television broadcast has always been an imperfect science. Television people have experimented with different broadcast techniques and new technologies over the years to make [...]
ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: They Just Don’t Know How to Love
“Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggie in the barn ‘cause here comes dodgeball action! The shirts continued their domination over the skins today.” – Bart Simpson Four years ago, when ESPN first put that awful “Playmakers” show in their lineup, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about whether or not [...]
ESPN Doesn’t Hate You: The Devil Made Them Do It
“Well sir, we’re two hours and forty-five minutes into the pre-game show, and we’ve got ourselves a special guest, actor Troy McClure whose new sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough right after the game.” – Brent Gunsilmen “Thanks Brent, my new show’s called ‘Handle with Care’. I play Jack Handle a retired cop who shares [...]
Tricks of the Trade
“Hey Miss Doesn’t-Find-Me-Attractive-Sexually-Anymore, I just tripled my productivity.” – Homer Simpson Today’s post is going to be the first of three in a series about the way our television networks broadcast sports. At one point I had tried to cram everything into a single post but it just wasn’t working in anything that resembled a [...]
Trouble a Brewin’
“Gentlemen, it’s time we face up to the un-face-up-to-able.” – Mayor Quimby The official website of the House of Representatives is not generally a place I go looking for laughs. Their schedule does contain a truly profound piece of bullshit though, one worthy of our elected officials. Tomorrow is listed as the start of the [...]
Gambling? Sports? Say It Ain’t So
“Chief Wiggum could you hand me that little black book?” – Moe the Bartender “Oh, sure thing Moe, I was just using it as a coaster.” – Chief Wiggum Of the four big sports stories last week, three of them were, ahem, scandals and one was merely considered outrageous. Barry Bonds is the outrageous one, [...]
