Tethered Swimming

“I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.” - Marge Simpson

“Yeah, yeah.” - Homer Simpson

“Well, explain to me why it isn’t.” - Marge Simpson

“Ehh, you just don’t understand football, Marge.” - Homer Simpson

NFL training camps have finally arrived and as I’m keen on gimmicks now that I have a twice weekly post deadline, I present a guide to the presidential primary candidates that any NFL fan can understand.  This is, admittedly, pretty stupid.

The Republicans will be represented by the AFC as they are the younger party, have had a lot of recent success, and the networks color their states red.  The Democrats will be represented by NFC teams because they are the older party, they’ve won only two of the last ten Super Bowls, and their states are blue.  Since you are allowed to run for president even if your state lacks an NFL team, geography is not a factor.  Fair enough?  Okay, here we go:

The Republicans and the American Football Conference

Sam Brownback - Cleveland Browns - He’s a grand old conservative the same way the Browns are a grand old football franchise.  The locals love him but nobody else cares about him at all and that, in a nutshell, is the problem.  At least no one thinks he moved to Baltimore.

Rudy Giuliani - Cincinnati Bengals - His offensive capabilities are vast and proven, but too many of his teammates run afoul of the law in embarrassing and distracting ways.  The money and the prestige make him a tempting pick but, like his Empire State sister in the other conference, he’s got a lot of baggage.  That baggage, and the distractions that come with it, will be a lot harder to carry come January.

Duncan Hunter - Jacksonville Jaguars - He’s an unknown candidate playing to a small market.  Both he and the Jags have flashes of brilliance (in rhetoric and football), but neither one is a long term threat to the real powers in the conference/party.

John McCain - Kansas City Chiefs - Neither one ever knew how to play defense but each had a real shot a couple of elections/seasons ago.  Now age is beginning show and the once diverse and potent attacks have degenerated into a single issue/running back, Mr. Larry “The War” Johnson.  The window is probably closed.

Ron Paul - Oakland Raiders - Both are openly despised by most of the other candidates/teams, but since the rest of them are such a despicable lot to begin with that’s actually a kind of backhanded compliment.  No matter how many crazy things he says, or how many crazy things they do (Aaron Brooks anyone?), the bizarre menagerie of fans and supporters will stick it out while scaring the hell out of everyone else.

Mitt Romney - San Diego Chargers - Top to bottom he might be the most complete candidate in the field and they might be the most complete team in the conference.  Nevertheless, a spectacular, fiery defeat lurks on even the brightest day, whether you are a Mormon or Marty Schottenheimer.

Tom Tancredo - Houston Texans - His candidacy, much like this franchise, looks like little more than a doomed vanity project and was probably a bad idea to begin with.

Tommy Thompson - Buffalo Bills - The glory years, if they can actually be called that, are far behind him.  Now he’s a forgettable face in a tough division with more campaign problems than you can shake a stick at.

The Democrats and the National Football Conference

Joe Biden - Minnesota Vikings - An anonymous team for an anonymous candidate.  In the Democratic Party he’s just another senator who’s angry with what’s happening and willing to say so with force and conviction.  In the NFC the Vikings are just another team with a (potentially) better than average offense that isn’t going anywhere against more daring competition.  You could swap the Viking horns for Ram horns on the side of the helmets and nobody would really notice.

Hillary Clinton - Washington Redskins - Spending a lot of money and having great name recognition are nice, but other than change systems and styles over and over again, what have they done?  The preseason pundits, in politics and football, are often seduced by the conspicuous money, but she’s never been tested in a serious electoral fight any more than Snyder’s annual collection of free agents have in the playoffs.

Chris Dodd - St. Louis Rams - Another anonymous team for another anonymous candidate.  Like Biden he’s a decent enough guy, smart and well liked, but now just isn’t his time.  Besides the staff would anyone notice if Biden and Dodd switched places and showed up at opposite campaign events?  Would either campaign skip a beat?

John Edwards - Philadelphia Eagles - He gets a lot of press and he’s shown that he can back it up…sometimes.  He and the Iggles have recently been to the big show and blown it, but that doesn’t mean they can’t try again.  Whatever the faults of the candidate and the team, each has put themselves in a position to compete year after year, and that’s all you can really ask for before the turf and the votes start flying.  And you never know, this might just be his/their year.

Mike Gravel - Dallas Cowboys - If there is an NFC equivalent to Al Davis and the Raiders it has to be Jerry Jones and the Cowboys, right?  Okay not really, but Gravel is old enough that he’s willing to speak his mind on anything and not care what other people think.  He’s trying to tell us the way things are and have one last moment in the sun while he’s at it.

Dennis Kucinich - Arizona Cardinals - His perennially disappointing results have not yet dampened the enthusiasm of his deluded fans.  Has no chance of winning anything, ever.  Could just as easily have been the Detroit Lions, a.k.a. Buzzsaw East.

Barack Obama - New Orleans Saints - He and they are both new, flashy, out-of-nowhere media darlings.  That’s all well and good, but they’re in the big game now and it’s time to prove that the Cinderella stories can stand up to tougher competition.  Obama and the Saints have the tools and the talent, but now it’s showtime.

Bill Richardson - Carolina Panthers - Both the candidate and the team sport records and backgrounds that are solid, if not exactly spectacular.  Yet both are easily forgotten and lost in the shuffle.  Then Richardson does something like raise more money than all but the biggest names.  Similarly the Panthers came very close to knocking off the Patriots at the height of their power and are still very good.  Both have since been written off and ignored again, but woe unto anyone who doesn’t take them seriously.

These are gross oversimplifications of both the campaigns and the franchises, but there you have it.  Please note that no one from either side merited the Bears, Colts, or Patriots.  It’s wide open in football and politics and I can’t wait until the hyper obsessive coverage of both gets going in earnest.