Tethered Swimming

“Ohhh ‘Meltdown’, it’s one of those annoying buzzwords.  We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.” - C.M. Burns

For Release:

September 30, 2007

Washington D.C. - Coalition forces in Iraq are, beginning today at 0600 Baghdad time, initiating a phased deployment to forward operating bases better located to interdict terrorist action.  Operation INSTALLMENT PLAN is expected to force Islamo-fascist terrorists well out of their way and cause disruptive inconvenience to their tattered supply network.

White House and Pentagon officials stress that this is not a redeployment, reassessment, recommitment, or retreat.  Years of careful reconnaissance and planning have allowed coalition commanders to pinpoint these exact locations as the “fulcrum” points of Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia.  Coalition planners believe that these FOBs are so well placed that there will not be a need for many forced excursions beyond the perimeter.

Pentagon Spokesman Victor Yi elaborated:

“We have a lot of powerful metrics telling us that the conflict against the terrorists in Iraq is going better than the liberal, defeatist commentators at Fox News would have you believe.  The number of deaths of Iraqi civilians[1] has fallen to near zero in the last two months.  Furthermore, Iraqi Army forces have only suffered sixteen casualties[2] for calendar 2007.  I’d also like to announce that American troops have befriended a nine year old Iraqi boy who thinks his cousin may someday like us too.  Here’s a quote from Major Smith, who was in command of the task force charged with befriending the loveable scamp:

“After four years, we finally got him.  He’s a tough nut to crack, he’s held out

since he was five, but we got him.  I think it’s a good start and hopefully he’ll help us recruit others.  If we start now with a different five year old and he picks another one, that’s three by 2011.  After that it’s all down hill.”[3]

The White House also had progress to report from Iraq today.  White House Spokeswoman Olivia B. Fuscate had this to say to pool reporters:

“We’re finally seeing eye-to-eye with the Iraqis on a lot of issues.  They know that the American people’s commitment is not open ended.   We’ve agreed that continuing American military involvement requires the Iraqis to meet “Progress Stations” for the last three months of the year.  After the success of the surge we’re confidant that they are ready for these more advanced steps towards building a free and stable government:

• The Iraqi Parliament building remains a free standing structure[4] with an exterior wall for almost half of the cardinal points of the compass.

• The Republic of Iraq maintains political sovereignty over any non-contiguous area equal to or greater than those areas protected by coalition troops.

• The daily fusion disc ration continues to deliver light and heat to all Iraqis free of charge and in defiance of insurgent threats.[5]“

Thanks to the progress provided by the surge strategy, American units are now being forward deployed to permanent strategic bases seven thousand miles to the east.  These forward deployments will allow American troops to intervene as necessary should the Iraqi units call for assistance in defending freedom.

[2] Does not include casualties caused by unknown causes.  Unknown causes may include high velocity projectiles, metal fragments scattered by exothermic chemical reactions, and the Loch Ness Monster.

[3] No further details are available about the youth or “Major Smith”.

[4] Rubble is considered “free standing”.

[5] Speaking in footnotes earns you honors credit at Public Relations University.