“How could you Krusty? I’d never lend my name to an inferior product.” – Bart Simpson “Ohh, they drove a dump truck full of money up to my house! I’m not made of stone!” – Krusty the Klown Heading to the theater to see The Simpsons Movie, my optimism got the better of me. A.O. [...]
Archive for July 2007
My Latest Claptrap About My Waning Libido
Like Chocolate and Peanut Butter
“I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.” – Marge Simpson “Yeah, yeah.” – Homer Simpson “Well, explain to me why it isn’t.” – Marge Simpson “Ehh, you just don’t understand football, Marge.” – Homer Simpson NFL training camps have finally arrived and as I’m keen on gimmicks now that I have a twice [...]
Pilgrim in an Unholy Land
“Is there no end to my torture?” – Jay Sherman I have no hope that The Simpsons Movie will be funny or entertaining. The trailers and television spots have been hard enough to sit through. At this point all that I can hope for is that the movie bombs, is denounced by critics and fans [...]
Our Honored Dead
“Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.” – Lisa Simpson In the beginning, there was The Simpsons. In 1989 Fox wasn’t even technically a network and it did nothing to make people take it more seriously by scheduling a cartoon for primetime on Sundays. It had been more than two decades since The [...]
Let’s Waste Some More Time
“You make numerous threatening references to the UN, and the end you repeat the words ‘Screw Flanders’ over and over again.” – Springfield Shopper Managing Editor I prefer my failures to be quiet, that way I can learn my lesson and go on to the next one with as little notice by others as possible. [...]
The Prime Sin
“Troy, this circle is you.” – Brad Goodman “My God, it’s like you’ve known me all my life!” – Troy McClure Near the end of the movie Patton, as Third Army is driving to Bastogne, George C. Scott throws a temper tantrum in his headquarters. He yells at his entire staff for wanting to slow [...]
My Slip Is Showing
“You’re not going to throw red paint at the executives are you? The Keebler people were very upset.” – Marge Simpson Today’s fake press release probably sucks. I can’t really tell and I haven’t yet gotten a system worked out so an editor can vet my crappy prose. I like thinking about politics but looking [...]
Press Release (Of the Future!)
“Ohhh ‘Meltdown’, it’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.” – C.M. Burns For Release: September 30, 2007 Washington D.C. – Coalition forces in Iraq are, beginning today at 0600 Baghdad time, initiating a phased deployment to forward operating bases better located to interdict terrorist action. Operation INSTALLMENT [...]
Title Fight Still Scheduled for September
“I’ll hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything will work out.” – Homer Simpson The last couple of days have seen a lot of stories floating around about the recent spate of public Republican unhappiness with the war in Iraq. There is widespread speculation that Congress is going to make a serious push [...]
iDon’t Care
“How innovative. I like it.” – Martin Prince “Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton. Beat up Martin.” – Kearney Today I’d like to poke a little fun at the iPhone and the wretched masses that seem ready to follow it off a cliff. It is a very slick phone, no doubts there, but [...]
Two-Hundred and Thirty-One
“Stand back while I celebrate freedom!” – Homer Simpson It’s the Fourth of July and these days that means loud action movies, crappy television “marathons”, warnings about drunk driving, pious speeches about patriotism from conservatives, indignant speeches about patriotism from liberals, mattress and furniture sales, news stories about heightened security at airports and stadiums, barbeques, [...]
“Spaceballs” Is the Only Good Thing Joan Rivers Has Ever Done (In Public)
“Simpson scandal update, Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.” – Channel 6 News Anchor “Hey, that’s a half truth!” – Homer Simpson There were a lot of topics I thought about covering this week. There was Republican dissention in the Senate (meaningless posturing until the Iraq money [...]
