“Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You’re just a bunch of low-income nobodies!” – Mayor Quimby “Uh…election in November…election in November…” – Mayor’s Aide “What, again? This stupid country…” – Mayor Quimby I voted for Bill Clinton in 2000. I had to write in his name, but of all the [...]
Archive for June 2007
Unintended Consequences: Amendment XXII
From East Germany with Love
“Do you want to know the terrifying truth? Or do you wanna see me sock a few dingers?” – Mark McGwire “Dingers! Dingers!” – Springfield Townspeople With Barry Bonds getting closer to 755 home runs and Jason Giambi agreeing to talk to George Mitchell, today seems like a good time to color some pixels about [...]
A Republican, a Democrat, and a Jew walk into a bar…
“Well I believe I’ll vote for a third party candidate.” – Voter “Go ahead, throw your vote away!” – Kang This wasn’t the topic I had planned for today, but I thought I’d try my hand at a little instant analysis. Yesterday New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg declared himself an independent, ditching the Republican [...]
Institutionalized Stupidity: Airport Security
“I am a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgment in any way.” – Superintendent Chalmers As I mentioned in the site news post Wednesday, I’m traveling this weekend. Mercifully, I don’t need to fly. The inconvenience of air travel is a pretty well established general grievance. Anybody who has ever flown [...]
18 Avenue de Suffren
“Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she’s a thoughtless, talentless lowlife.” – Mr. Slave Despite my sincerest efforts to avoid her, Paris Hilton barged into my life again this week. Near as I can tell she was in and out of jail on account of getting caught behind the wheel of [...]
I’ve Been on the Job For Almost Three Weeks, I Deserve a Break
“Doesn’t your job start tomorrow?” – Marge Simpson “Ahh somebody’ll cover for me.” – Homer Simpson I’ll be traveling this weekend, and while I will endeavor to get a post up on Sunday, it may not happen. So far I’m enjoying the Sunday/Wednesday schedule and I’m quite confident that I would’ve already abandoned this entire [...]
Your Guide to Not Watching the Presidential Primary Debates
“Welcome to Decision ’96, it’s eighteen months until the election and tonight we’ll focus on the vice-presidential candidates. Since this is so boring and pointless, we will periodically be inserting clips from Baywatch.” – Debate Host Each party staged a debate this week, no casualties were reported. I managed to avoid watching a single second [...]
Silent Sponsors
“Dad, was that your commercial?” – Lisa Simpson “I don’t know.” – Homer Simpson Most practiced observers believe that tonight will be the end of the Stanley Cup finals. Tomorrow night will is the beginning of the NBA finals. Since I almost never watch baseball on television, the end of the hockey and basketball seasons [...]
Pssst, We’re Not Bombing Iran. Pass It On
“Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power.” – Homer Simpson There is an understandable but overblown fear going around that we are moving toward an attack on the Islamic Republic of Iran. If you’re worried about this, I’ve got good news: it ain’t gonna happen. There are [...]
Let’s Waste Some Time
“You will speak the blasphemous and self-denigrating dialogue that has been written for you.” – Captain Rahim “Like I’m not used to that.” – Jay Sherman Welcome to Tethered Swimming. As of this writing I have only the dimmest ideas of what these posts will be about, or even how they’ll be written.[1] I do [...]
